UnScripts:Unromantic Comedy
Unromantic Comedy is a 2009 UnFilm Production, directed by a bunch of idiots with a video camera, and starring, believe it or not, Cameron Diaz. She obviously hasn't got much good work recently, if this is the kind of thing she is reduced to working in...
Scene 1
A nursery, somewhere sunny and beautiful in California. Jane is helping out some little kids paint.
- Jane: Okay, kiddies, it's time to put away the paintbrushes. You're going home now! (muttered) Thank God.
- Child: Why are you thanking God?
- Jane: Because he made our beautiful world, Ben, now stop licking the paintbrush and put it away.
Sam then walks in to pick up his child.
- Child: Daddy!
- Sam: Hello, son! Oh, its so nice to see you. What a shame your mother died in a car crash and now I'm a single parent...
- Jane: (overhearing) Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Sam: Oh, don't worry. I'm Sam, by the way.
- Jane: I'm Jane.
- Sam: Nice to meet you Jane. That's a nice top.
- Jane: Why, thank y-
- Sam: Wanna fuck?
- Jane: What!? No!
- Sam: (sadly) Oh. It was worth a try.
- Child: Let's go, Daddy!
- Sam: Yep, let's go. Say goodbye to the sexy nursery teacher.
- Child: Goodbye!
(They leave.)
Scene 2
The same nursery, the next day. Jane is helping the children pack away the toys.
- Jane: Okay, kiddies, it's time to put away the toys. You're going home now! (muttered) Thank God.
- Child: Why are you thanking God?
- Jane: Because he made our beautiful world, Ben, now stop licking the toy car and put it away.
Sam then walks in to pick up his child.
- Child: Daddy!
- Sam: Hello, son! Oh, its so nice to see you. It's such a shame I have to drop you off at the babysitters, because, you see, I'm a doctor, yes, a single parent who's also a doctor.
- Jane: (overhearing) Wow! A doctor! Oh, I find that so attractive in a man.
- Sam: Oh, it's Jane isn't it? Well, would you like to go out to dinner with me, Jane?
- Jane: Oh, I'm sorry, but I couldn't. Not like this, with your son.
- Sam: That's such a shame.
(Pause.)
- Jane: Oh, go on then...
- Sam: Brilliant! I'll pick you up at eight.
- Jane: Perfect. But remember, I don't like Chinese.
- Child: Let's go, Daddy!
- Sam: Yep, let's go. Say goodbye to the sexy nursery teacher.
- Child: Goodbye!
(They leave.)
Scene 3
The restaurant, that evening. Jane and Sam are eating.
- Jane: I really wish you hadn't taken me to a Chinese.
- Sam: It's the cheapest, sorry.
- Jane: It's not very romantic, taking me somewhere I hate, though is it?
- Sam: Geeze, stop moaning, at least it's better than a KFC.
- Jane: So what's it like being a doctor?
- Sam: What? I'm not a doctor.
- Jane: But- you said you were!
- Sam: (confused) Did I? (realises) Ohh...yeah, I said that, didn't I? Yeah, that was a lie.
- Jane: What? Why would you say that?
- Sam: If you thought I was a doctor, you'd be more likely to get into bed with me, wouldn't you? And you're hot!
- Jane: (devastated) I can't believe you lied!
- Sam: Yeah, sorry. Anyway, pass us the spring rolls.
- Jane: No. I'm going home. You lied!
(Jane runs out of the restaurant, crying.)
- Sam: Geeze, one little lie and she's all angry over nothing.
(Sam gets up and follows her out of the restaurant.)
Scene 4
Jane's incredibly well furnished house, she is crying into her pillow. It is immediately after the restaurant. Violins play over a montage of Jane doing sad things, like making coffee alone etc. The doorbell rings.
- Jane: Go away!
- Voice from behind door: No. It's Simon Cowell.
- Jane: (running to get the door) No way! I love you!
- Sam: No, course it's not Simon Cowell. It's me.
- Jane: (disappointed) Oh. Go away.
- Sam: No, Jane. I won't. You see, I don't know how to say this, but-
- Jane: But?
- Sam: (reading off inside of hand) But I love you.
- Jane: (overjoyed) You do?
- Sam: I do.
- Jane: Yes! Me too! Let's talk about this, long into the night! I'll make coffee.
- Sam: Er, yeah...OR we could have sex.
(Jane shrugs. Sam grins, and they passionately h-well, you know what happens next.)
Scene 5
Jane's house. She wakes up in her double bed, alone.
- Jane: (sleepily) Wow, that was good. I love you Sam! (puts hand where Sam should be, he isn't there). Sam? Sam!
(Jane sits up and finds a note).
- Jane: What? (reading) Hi Jane. Thanks for the great night. Now I can get my $50 off Kyle. He bet me I couldn't get you to sleep with me. Turns out it's easier than he thought! BTW, I filmed last night as evidence, hope you don't mind. Better go get my $50, then. Thanks again, Sam.
(Jane dissolves into floods of tears).
Scene 6
The nursery, the next day. Jane is teaching some little kids about the human body.
- Jane: Okay, kiddies, it's time to put away the biology books. You're going home now! (muttered) Thank God.
- Child: Why are you thanking God?
- Jane: Because he made our beautiful world, Ben, now stop licking the other children and put it away.
- Child: Put what away?
- Jane: Wha-Is everything away? No way! Well done, Ben!
A Man then walks in to pick up his child.
- Child: Daddy!
- Man: Hello, son! Oh, its so nice to see you.
- Jane: (overhearing) That's not your son!
- Man: Er, yes it is.
- Jane: That's Sam's son!
- Child: No! I just pretended to be Sam's son. He doesn't even have a son. But he gave me sweeties to pretend he was my Daddy.
- Man: Seemed like a really nice guy actually.
- Jane: You let a stranger pick up your son?
- Man: Well, yeah.
- Jane: Unbelievable.
(They leave. Sam walks in)
- Sam: Jane! I'm sorry. I've decided I actually love you.
- Jane: Fuck off.
- Sam: No seriously...
- Jane: (starting to believe him) Seriously?
Scene 7
Jane's house, that night. She wakes up in her double bed, alone.
- Jane: (sleepily) Wow, that was good. I love you Sam! (puts hand where Sam should be, he isn't there). Sam? Sam!
(Jane sits up and finds a note).
- Jane: What? (reading) Hi Jane. Kyle bet me double or nothing I couldn't get you to sleep with me again. You are just great! Thanks again, Sam.
(Jane dissolves into floods of tears).
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This article is part of UnfilM The preferred oeuvre of Drive-Ins everywhere. |
