UnNews:Zelenskyy apprehended at US-Mexican border; applies for asylum
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
23:25, 13 January 2024 (UTC)
El Paso, TX: President of Ukraine Volodymyr Zelenskyy voluntarily surrendered himself to a US Border Control agent in El Paso early this morning, after having tried and failed to blend in with several thousand Central-and-South-American migrants fleeing from the harsh and bitter reality of staying in Mexico any longer than they absolutely have to. Zhellennzkee immediately declared his intention of illegally immigrating into the United States in the hope of not having his bogus asylum claim rejected any time soon.
Zeppelinski's general whereabouts only days previous to his capture were purportedly lost track of by the mainstream media due to a prolonged sequence of seemingly random globe-trotting plane, train, and automobile trips, visiting unsuspecting world leaders and attempting to muster up newer and deadlier weaponry for use against Russian occupation forces in Ukraine. At some point, Zhaylenoskee apparently got hold of somebody's discarded mobile phone and decided to submit a bogus application for asylum on the famous CBP One Google App (reserved only for deserving claimants fleeing from everywhere except Texas), which promptly crashed from a massive overload of pop-up ads. Undeterred, Zellinowski completed the hazardous journey across the inches-deep Rio Grande and over a treacherous swath of luxurious red carpeting in just the nick of time.
In an exclusive interview with UnNews reporters, Selloutinsky broke down in tears and told us of his harrowing tale of utterly failing to convince anybody (including us) that the Russian military is in any way a dangerous force to be reckoned with, despite all evidence to the contrary. He maintains that he is still President of Ukraine for as long as Ukraine exists. After that, he simply doesn't know.
If all goes well, Zelephantcy will forge a newer and better life for himself in America, living deep inside an illegal-immigrant sanctuary city which itself is deep inside a 2nd-Amendment sanctuary state. There, he will arm himself to the teeth with diverse assault weapons and hide out from hordes of angry Republicans hell-bent on hauling his ass in front of Jim Jordan's Subcommittee on the Weaponization of Everything Except the Subcommittee on the Weaponization of Everything in order to answer for his alleged influence-peddling schemes involving Hunter Biden's laptop's father's brother's nephew's sister's uncle's second cousin's former business partner's cleaning lady. In the meantime, Zerostinsky will buy out several social media companies and force them to entice all Ukrainians everywhere to illegally migrate to the United States, because the US Department of Homeland Security would never be so mean as to turn down a bogus application for asylum.
- In other news:
23:31, 13 January 2024 (UTC)
San Diego, CA: President of Russia Vladimir Putin voluntarily surrendered himself to a US Border Control agent in San Diego early this afternoon, after having tried and failed to blend in with several thousand Central-and-South-American migrants fleeing from the harsh and bitter reality of staying in Mexico any longer than they absolutely have to. Putin immediately declared his intention of illegally immigrating into the United States in the hope of not having his bogus asylum claim rejected any time soon.
Putin's general whereabouts only days previous to his capture were purportedly lost track of by the mainstream media due to a prolonged sequence of seemingly random globe-trotting plane, train, and automobile trips, visiting unsuspecting international arms merchants and attempting to muster up newer and deadlier weaponry for use against Ukrainian civilians in occupied Ukraine. At some point, Putin apparently got hold of somebody's discarded mobile phone and decided to submit a bogus application for asylum on the famous CBP One Google App (reserved only for deserving claimants fleeing from everywhere except Texas), which promptly crashed from a massive overload of computer viruses. Undeterred, Putin completed the hazardous journey by squeezing himself through a ten-foot-wide gap in the border barrier and over a treacherous swath of luxurious red carpeting in just the nick of time.
In an exclusive interview with UnNews reporters, Putin broke down in tears and told us of his harrowing tale of utterly failing to convince anybody (including us) that the Russian military is in any way a dangerous force to be reckoned with, despite all evidence to the contrary. He maintains that he is still President of Russia for as long as Ukraine exists. After that, he simply doesn't know.
If all goes well, Putin will forge a newer and better life for himself in America, living deep inside a 2nd-Amendment sanctuary city which itself is deep inside an illegal-immigrant sanctuary state. There, he will arm himself to the teeth with a diverse team of lawyers and hide out from hordes of angry Democrats hell-bent on hauling his ass in front of US DC Federal District judge Tanya Chutkan in order to answer for his alleged influence-peddling schemes involving Donald Trump's ongoing reelection campaigns. In the meantime, Putin will buy out several social media companies and force them to entice all Russian oligarchs everywhere to illegally migrate to the United States, because the US Department of Homeland Security would never be so mean as to turn down a bogus application for asylum.