UnNews:Winnie the Pooh to star in slasher documentary
Tuesday, September 6, 2022
100 AKER WOOD -- Earlier this year, eminent cultural icon Winnie the Shit retired from toiling for the slavemaster corporation behind the rat, after a tedious, seemingly endless century contaminated with but squalor. Winnie, alongside his bosom bud Piglet, have since given up their careers as money-making luminaries and have, in a gory forage for payback, begun new lives as bloodthirsty hitmen after an immense steroid overdose.
Winnie and Piglet, amidst an arduous attempt of evading arrest for their gruesome bloodsheds, have banded with awfully obscure Bri'ish Martin Scorsese wannabe and money-seeker Rhys Waterfield in May to have their illicit, unseen lives documented on the big screen for the first time in an independent documentary disguised as a "slasher film" and plan to have it publicized as quickly as possible, though it is currently unknown when.
"It's like a dream come true", claims miraculously underworked self-claimed director, co-producer, and screenwriter Rhys Waterfield, "Pooh's alleviating salvation from that bloody Second Coming of Satan they call Christopher Robin and the lot was rather convenient - this must and shall be great for the horror flick industry; it's about time we and the overall horror movie industry got our hands on some well-earnt dosh off of the deeds of the one and only tubby little cubby, all stuffed with blood", he continues.
The first trailer for their upcoming feature, titled "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey", was released to the masses not long ago, and to several polarized reactions. "I'm eager to see Winnie the Pooh announce "it's winnin' time" and "poo" [sic] all over the floor", claims a pseudonymous cinemagoer.
"Blood and Honey" is said to document the tale of Winnie, Piglet and the gang, in Waterfield's words, "returning to their feral roots" after an adolescent Christopher Robin leaves the 100 Akre Wood stranded for university. Having not intuited the lay of the land, Robin and his newfound wife return to the woodland several years later, unbeknownst to them that Poo and Piglet have gone on a rampage. The undomesticated duo take note of Robin's presence and henceforth go on a rampage for his flesh. Amidst this, they not only slaughter Eeyore but alienate a gathering of girls residing in the woodland whom Poo and Piglet really want to shag.
Not long after the upcoming picture was announced, our director, co-producer and screenwriter Waterfield has also indicated his interest in producing a sequel, which he plans to "go even more crazy, extreme and over-the-top" with.