UnNews:Winehouse filmed playing music
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 February 2008
Footage of Amy Winehouse apparently playing music has been posted on websites around the internet. In between cavorting with US embassy officials, spending more time on her hair than on simple self-care, and allegedly smoking crack, Winehouse is alleged to have played some music for her friends.
The footage contains some atonal, out-of-tune covers of old soul warhorses such as 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough', 'Respect', and 'You Better Think', a particularly ironic choice. According to the Sun Newspaper, Amy 'took hit after hit, after a 19 minute jam with Pete Doherty, making all of the songs her own'.
Amy put her own spin on the songs, renaming 'Ain't No Mountain...' to 'Ain't No Drug Den Low Enough', and 'Respect' to 'Neglect'. She has declined to comment on her apparent pretensions to being a singer, but record company Universal has already moved to sign Amy onto their roster, with a one-album deal, provided that she lives long enough to get some songs together to record. She is due to attend a hearing at the the studio (not the hair studio she visits once every three hours) in the coming months. Her mother has appealed to Amy to not accept the record deal, instead offering 'wholesome home cooking'. Janis, published letters in the News of the World, despite the fact that Amy never reads newspapers. Her father has said that Amy should "Stick to doing what she does best", but even he had a hard time trying to pin down what that was. Perhaps the photograph to the right gives us a clue.
Organizers of the Grammys have already nominated Amy for an award in each category (excepting male-only ones of course) despite a complete lack of professional recordings from Winehouse as yet. A spokesman for the organization said: '"We know its going to be a good record, because that's the kind of girl Amy is. And if even if it isn't, it'll make the Grammies seem racy again, and we need the attention."' Atonal composers have seen promise in Winehouse's music, but have advised her to study twelve-tone technique in order to bring some order to her crazy music. Bet shops are keen to exploit Winehousefever at the minute, making bets available on what subject Amy will master next. William Hill, UK bookmakers, have Amy at 5/1 to become a college professor after dabbling in music, 10/1 to become a member of the United Nations, and 300/1 on her actually doing something useful.
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- Che Guevara "Could a life be more useless?" Klan Kwarterly, February 3, 2008