UnNews:West could have place in Afghan politics: Taliban
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 December 2007
KABUL, Afghanistan (UNN) - Taliban fighters have stated from a cave on the Afghan-Pakistani border that the imperialist infidel dogs that have invaded their country do have a place in Afghan politics. They said this is only possible if they renounce their imperialist ways and join the Taliban in restructuring Afghanistan into an Islamic Republic.
Shiek Mullah Omar remarked that in order to join in Afghan politics, NATO forces would have to renounce their sinful ways including allowing women to vote, drive, or have any rights all together. Other changes that would have to be made include a toughening of all laws on books. The Taliban suggests that this should be done by introducing Sharia law into the Afghan courts. This would allow dirty thieves to be maimed and consumers of alcohol to be beheaded. The Taliban also stated that blasphemy would be added to the list of crimes with the penalty being death. Converting to another religion would also carry a mandatory death sentence.
British Prime Minister Charlie Brown says that he welcomes an opportunity to work with the Taliban and says that this is a great chance to learn about other cultures. Brown was criticized by liberal groups, feminists in particular, in Britain for his willingness to work with the hardline Taliban. Brown responded to the criticism by saying "Just because we find killing women for merely looking at another man or killing people over petty crimes heinous and brutal doesn't mean that other cultures don't find it honourable and just. Who are we to judge other cultures? I think we could really learn something from the Taliban". Brown later remarked that we've "let women go too far in this country" and that the Taliban have the right idea "when it comes to dealing with them".
United States President George W. Bush had similar thoughts. Bush addressed the Mullah during a live press conference from the White House yesterday stating "As a Christian you know that I am a man of peace. Though we may have had our differences in the past, I welcome this opportunity to work together. As Christians, we see the values in Sharia law and we notice the striking parallels between it, and the laws that Moses laid down in the Old Testament. Your laws regarding blasphemy and women are truly commendable. They are remarkably similar to Judeo-Christian laws which unfortunately, due to secular liberals, have been progessively eroded for the past 200 years. Christian America could learn a thing or two from your great society especially when it comes to dealing with liberals, intellectuals, blasphemers, and other troublemakers. We welcome this opportunity to create an Islamic utopia in Afghanistan. We can only hope that America will follow suit and create a similar Christian society modeled after yours".
Mullah Omar was reportedly pleased by the change of heart of the British and American leaders and is eager to begin working with them to re-establish the Taliban as the legitimate ruling party of Afghanistan. In a concillatory gesture to Omar, Bush has pardoned Osama bin Laden for all of the crimes he has committed and has granted him amnesty. A Taliban spokesman reported that this pleased Omar greatly and that it now means that bin Laden himself will play an active role in shaping Afghanistan's future.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Mullah Omar "Infidels could have a place" No Nonsense Guide to Terrorism, December 13th, 2007