UnNews:Wanna cut in line? Denounce your religion

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 September 2006

A happy park official wants to know if you'll denounce God.

GURNEE, Illinois -- Why wait in line when you can just denounce the deities you've worshipped your entire life?

That's the question the heretical Six Six Six Flags Apostate America is asking thrill-seekers during an anti-All Saint's day themed Fright-and-Denounce-Fest. The amusement park is daring customers to deny the existence or love of God, Allah, Jesus, Zeus, Wiccan gods, Voodoo loas, the Hindu godhead, Buddha, or any other religious figure in exchange for unlimited line-jumping privileges.

The promotion, which has many religious authorities shaking their heads, and some picketing outside the park, starts October 7.

Anyone who denies the existence of their deity of choice in a contract written in blood gets a pass for four people to cut to the front of ride lines.

Park officials say it’s safe to denounce your religion, since none of them are really true anyway, but religious officials are cautioning participants.

"Signing that contract will force God to forsake you for eternity," says Rabbi Tuck Olenstein, a Rabbi at the Illinois Central Conservative Synagogue. "Even He cannot forgive you for this."

The announcement came a few days after the new CEO of Six Flags, calling himself, Belzebub the AntiChrist, tattooed himself with the symbol of a bloodied goat's head and then publicly called for the elimination of all saints and religious devotees.

"Of course, apostates will still have to pay for admission fees," said park spokesman Mephisto Diablo. "We can make our customers do whatever we want! All in the name of fun. I love my job."

Future promotions for the park include letting patrons use the restrooms for free if they carve a pentagram into their chest with a dull rusty knife, and half-priced concession food if the patrons eat the food off the floor.

"We also have a new park opening soon in Nevada," said Diablo, "called Sex Flags. Customers there will be able to trade their virginity for a large Coke."

Sources

• "Satan loves Six Flags" Satan, Sept 21, 2006