UnNews:Walrus bones the new whale bones
Friday, March 24, 2017
Whale bones are so 2013. It's all about the walrus bones now!
Indeed, the hottest trend in aquatic mammalian skeletal products is walrus bones. What once was a thriving market for whale bones has almost overnight switched over to walruses. Everything from furniture, to car parts, masturbation aides, musical instruments, you name it, are now being manufactured from walrus bones. They're even being put into a blender, grounded up into mush, and cooked into pancakes at IHOP. They're literally selling like hot cakes.
Economists attribute this to President Donald Tusk's own grotesque transformation into a walrus. After Americans' shock of seeing their own president mutilated into a sea beast wore off, a certain novelty sprung from it. Suddenly, walruses and their skeletal framework were the new hip thing.
The Trump Organization was quick to take advantage of this trend, signing a contract with Baculum Inc. to mass produce walrus bone products for the public, branded Mr. Tusk's Very Own Walrus Bones™. Aside from everyday products, the Trump Organization stands to make its yugest profit from constructing buildings themselves out of walrus bones. There's even talk that the Mexican border wall will be constructed out of walrus bones.
"It's what my father would want," says President Tusk's son and heir trustee to his company, Eric Trump. "He always told us to never let a business opportunity go untapped, even if it meant violating his own bodily remains. I don't know if he meant that literally or figuratively, but I think this situation is a happy medium."
Despite the fact that drop in whale bone mining has potentially saved the whales from extinction, animal rights activists are furious about the slaughter and cruel exploitation of walruses. PETA put together a protest down the street from Trump Tower in which they dressed up in walrus skeleton costumes, flapped around on the sidewalk and horked in faux pain at civilians walking by. However, it was misinterpreted as a pro-President Tusk rally and thus contributed to the sale of Mr. Tusk walrus bones even more.
Considering the ethical ramifications of this new business endeavor, the president's private quasi-charity organization the Donald J. Tusk Foundation is funding numerous walrus sanctuaries around the Arctic Circle. The intended goal is to keep the walrus population high for the sake of mining their bones. This means that the ability to profit from walruses is intrinsically tied to their continuing existence. It's capitalist-driven conservation. Learn to love it, hippies.
Bob Dylan has not been reached for comment.
