UnNews:Bob Dylan a threat to whales

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 February 2013

He doesn't care about whales.

Sources close to popular music industry make yet another shocking claim: Bob Dylan's grating nasal voice has been, and remains, a major factor in the imminent extinction of whales. How? Who is responsible? What can be done? Doesn't anybody care?

Yes, it's true: while you might be happy listening to the recordings of that most famous American folk music hero of all time, whole species of large mammals are suffering from what he has done. It would be futile to claim this is your fault in any way, but we feel it is our responsibility to bring some of the guilt to bear on you nevertheless. When whales go extinct, there is no way we can buy new ones. Remember that the next time you listen to Bob's honking.

How do these things happen? What possible causal link could there be between the way Bob Dylan sings and the welfare of huge sea mammals? In this, we must yet again turn to science. This article, verified by all the most respectable verifiers of our time, brings to light the shocking number of different products that are made of --- whale bones. Yes, the very same bones without which the whales will not be able to retain their shapes. In fact (and this might shock you, so don't read any further if you feel queasy) whales are slaughtered mercilessly to get the bones out. Even though you might think a huge sack of fat and meat would yield a bone or two without even noticing it, nature just doesn't work that way.

"Wait", you ask, "where does Bob Dylan enter the picture?" A good question, and a necessary one. Prepare for the surprise of a lifetime. The dissonant side harmonies of Bob Dylan's voice cause the particles of an average whale bone to vibrate at frequencies that break its structure in a few years at constant exposure. "Years?" you say. "That's nothing", you continue. "Why didn't you mention this in the first place? You got me all worked up for nothing!" you whine. That's all relevant, but not quite as relevant as you might think. Bob Dylan is so famous and his records are listened so often all over the world that the extinction of whales has now been estimated to occur some time during the decade starting in 2300. It might happen even sooner if the record companies don't quit their inane pushing of pointless specials.