UnNews:US plans to attack Iran!!!

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2 August 2010

So you've got a bomb? So don't we!

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff told a Sunday TV talk show that the U.S. has a contingency plan to attack Iran, "just in case."

Admiral Mike Mullen told NBC's Meet the Press, "The military options...remain on the table. It's one of the options the President has." Having options for contingencies that haven't happened yet has been a preoccupation of the military, ever since the World Trade Center was attacked in 2001 and military leaders were caught on camera muttering, "Geez! what are we gonna do now?" One would hope there are also contingency plans for both Canada and Disney World.

Adm. Mullen made clear he didn't think President Obama should actually do it. "Again, I hope we don't get to that," he told reporters. Alongside developing plans against the unthinkable, military leaders often go on TV to lobby against their adoption.

Nevertheless, the mass media and wire services predictably exploited the dramatic potential of the Admiral's statement, as did the UnNews Department of Sensationalism, which vetted this story's headline and added two extra exclamation points. Also making a big deal was the government of Iran, where Revolutionary Muckty-Muck Yadollah Javani warned that "our response will be firm, and there will be hell to pay, if the Americans make any mistakes, such as not bowing deeply enough." American diplomatic experts conclude that the leader is simply acting out, from a need for understanding and acceptance. They suggest a "time-out," and perhaps sending him to his room.

The U.S. and Iran are at odds over Iran's nuclear program. The U.S. claims Iran is developing the bomb as a weapon, while Iran claims it will merely let herdsmen gather around it to warm their hands on cold winter mornings.