UnNews:USS Intrepid freed from NYC fecal bar
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 December 2006
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NEW YORK - A month after a failed attempt to move the USS Intrepid, the historic aircraft carrier was finally freed Tuesday from the dense bar of solidified human fecal matter in the Hudson River where it had sat for nearly a quarter of a century as a shit-encased museum.
"Ahh... that's a relief," a joyous Intrepid Foundation President Bill White grunted as he sat aboard the vessel. Some crew members cried and gave each other high-fives and hugs. Onlookers ashore cheered, threw rolls of toilet paper and held their noses.
"It's like it used to be, only covered in shit," said elated passenger Felix Novelli, who served on the Intrepid crew during World War II and still has a piece of metal in his brain from a Jap attack. "I'm 18 again. And I have my beautiful broad right here, Maxine Andrews from the Andrews Sisters."
As the Intrepid passed the World Trade Center site, about 20 former crew members unfurled a 50-feet by 90-feet American flag and had a nice picnic lunch on it.
The trip began with considerable effort. Tugboats squatted and strained. The historic aircraft carrier-turned-museum rocked back and forth, then with a loud grunt and groan, haltingly squeezed out of the hole in which it had been impacted for so long.
Finally, it began squirting forward about 3 to 4 knots, its pier growing more and more distant, leaving behind a dark brown streak.
Future plans for the USS Intrepid include a complete, high-tech upgrade for the inevitable U.S. war with the Chinks.