UnNews:UK declares war on the weather
|
This article is part of the UnNews Weather Service, your source for up-to-the-minute (brain) fog. |
|
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 December 2007
London, UK - The British independent reviewer into summer floods, Sir Michael Pitt has sparked a political row which could sever the long standing political relationship between the United Kingdom and the United States
Asked on BBC Radio 4's Today programme if flooding was as serious as terrorism, Sir Michael said: "I think it is. It's obviously very different but we want the same levels of performance and reaction that we have with terrorism events."
Environment Secretary Hilary Benn said he agreed with all the recommendations. Shortly after an environmental summit meeting, British government officials consulted the Met Office with the simple question ‘where does our rain come from?’ Head meteorologists were quick to point the finger at the Gulf Stream, a powerful, warm Atlantic Ocean current which keeps the UK warm. However, it also brings a warm, moist climate to British shores which also brings rain.
On hearing the breaking news, Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced to the House of Commons: “We have to react to this Gulf Stream like a terrorist threat. We have to find the source and eradicate it for the good of our people. No longer will people be forced out of their homes by insurgent waters. We’re further north than freezing Moscow and yet we get all this pissy rain. Water shouldn’t be running down our High Streets, they should be trapped inside glaciers… or something.” This shocking discovery will come as bad and embarrassing news to President George Bush when he finds out that the US has been harbouring one of Europe's largest terrorist threats for thousands of years.
Mr Brown then added: “British Intelligence informs me that this Gulf Stream originates from the Gulf of Mexico” which sparked several moans and grumbles from the benches until the Prime Minister added “… there’s oil there!” which suddenly sparked calls amongst all to invade these waters. It is believed that Mr Brown was surprised by the news after saying: “Blimey, all these years I thought we were warmer because of Global Warming. What a load of tripe that turned out to be eh?!”
Sir Michael Pitt also said the public should have been better prepared for the severe floods which damaged thousands of homes in England. He urged them to get appropriate insurance and have an emergency kit in their houses, including such items as a radio, batteries, torch, rubber gloves and a big boat.
“If you’re out on the roads you keep a spare tyre in the boot (trunk), sometimes a shovel if it’s snowing. Same should apply in houses. If you live within 50 miles of a river then you should keep a river raft in the attic, or at least a big family size inflatable tyre. We wasted hundreds of thousands of pounds, possibly millions rescuing stranded people by helicopter. If you can be arsed to install a fire alarm then why can’t you get an escape boat?”
He then added: “Why can't we build proper resilient properties so that if they do flood they can recover very quickly?” Urban planners were quick to respond with a more common-sense solution however, stating: “Instead of changing the entire design of a building, why not just not build them on the f**king floodplain?! The clue’s kind of in the name you know”.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "'Urgent action' needed on floods" BBC, December 17, 2007