UnNews:UK: no porn and no streaming makes Jack a dull boy
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 November 2013
The United Kingdom has reacted to the news that internet providers have begun to block both pornography sites and streaming sites with characteristic sang froid.
Just a few days after Primer Minister David Cameron told male citizens that they would have to explain to their partners why they wanted to "opt-in" to view pornography, Family Guy fans noticed that they were unable to see Brian die in the latest episode.
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh" was the immediate response one internet user, Matthew Fronde. "First you take my Lucy Thai... now my Seth McFarlane?" added the young Lancastrian.
His pain is shared throughout the country. Cars full of naked men can be seen driving recklessly and aimlessly up and down the M1.
UnNews found one man apparently in the process of metamorphosis, disrobing in a Starbucks. "I'm completely lost. I just go from my email, to Facebook, to the Guardian and then back again. My email... my Facebook..." He was tragically unable to complete the sentence, and instead vacated the premises in a blur of genitals and foamed milk.
Internet expert Joanna Corey explained: "Millions of men start the day by watching 2-3 episodes of the latest US series online, and then masturbating over pornography. Not necessarily in that order. By taking away these two pleasures, the Prime Minister has done the online equivalent of stealing everyone's booze and fags."
However, it is not all doom and gloom. BBC Nottinghamshire reports that one man, who hadn't left his house for the previous four years, suddenly realised he didn't really like anything on the internet except for TV shows and porn and immediately planted a rose garden and composed a rock opera.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Internet porn fans face embarrassing chat with partners, says David Cameron" Daily Mirror, November 19, 2013
- "Project Free TV, YIFY, PrimeWire are now blocked in the UK" Reddit, November 22, 2013