UnNews:Trump declares war on escalators
25 September 2025
WASHINGTON DC - This just in after Trump's latest appearance at the UN, Trump has declared war on escalators, citing the breakdown of the escalator he was to walk up at the UN Plaza as an "act of war."
This comes after Trumpo Gumbo mansplained to the world why he is completely and always right and how everyone else is totally gonna burn in Hell at the UN, however, this is completely unprecedented, even for him, as he has Truthed (I think its called that) constantly day and night recently about how the UN must "answer for its crimes" against him. We have asked the leading escalator producers for their responses, here are some.
"I have no fucking clue if he's even serious-" ~KONE representative 3 seconds before being bombed
"We're gonna just stop making working escalators now. We'll use AI so they don't work when Trump is within a mile of them. Fuck Trump." ~Schindler representative
"Professionally and respectfully, he should die in a fire." ~Mitsubishi representative
These are among many responses we received, with escalator companies globally banding together to form the "Possibly Epic Not-trump-liking Institute in Situ", or the PENIS. PENIS has formed a few armored battalions (presumably wielding fire extinguishers), stealing Iran's most famous line in an ominous Tweet (X? idk what Elon wants it to be called), "Everyone will feel it." We do not know what it is referring to. Maybe d4vd. We have reports of small skirmishes outside of escalator company headquarters, but the Trump administration refused to comment on this once we asked them. Regardless, this is IP Man reporting from Washington DC. Back to you, Coffi.