UnNews:Town to adopt allegedly more efficient "door-to-door" news delivery method
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This article is part of Local UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation that only your neighbor a couple doors down gives a shit about. |
20 December 2008
Town, USA -- Your local post office has recently taken some very drastic, dare I say radical steps towards fulfilling their mission of delivering important news, as well as less important ballet news, directly to you, as efficiently as possible, while still maintaining their popular weather-oriented "nothing can stop us" mentality about current events. Local Mail, famous (locally) for their slightly differing views from the US Mail on how weather affects transport of news, has made a big move in the water closet today, in that, as of next Monday, "The News" will be mass-produced in tissue paper bundles and, via a likely white, but possibly brown, puce, or cyan delivery truck, delivered individually to the homes and shacks of each one of Town's information-hungry citizens, along with day-old news and bread.
Having gone by, up until recently, the time-honored slogan, "Neither rain nor snow."(nor salary cuts), Town's previous method of real news delivery (nailing each individual article to the telephone pole directly in the middle of the city, protected from snow and rain by a strange, yet exciting ten foot radius awning), has been deemed inferior, smelly, and rotten, due to young and vibrant (thanks to unmentionable, in a small town way, male supplements) Old Man Jenkins of 237 Indigo Plateau's compliance in finally installing a retractable frosted cake tin awning on his home's roof and parlor. Sleet and hale, two truly false environmental factors the local news printing department's staff is unprepared to deal with, can finally be combated in a practical manner, not by soldiers or robots, but by absolutely every single solitary member of the town, due to Jenkins adding the final warped piece to the puzzle, in a town where everyone else had already installed their own cool retractable awnings millions of years ago. Jenkins is probably reported as having apparently stated, "Confounded new-fangly metal gadgets. Bah!"
Local monkey registration officials and very smart guys are pleased that Jenkins made this decision, as the post office was beginning to hint, with a tiny hint of mint on its sweet breath, at following in mostly ethnically Italian Nearby City's footsteps and garlic odor, and placing a large Italian tarpa over da toppa of da entire city "to combata da weather issues," resident Momma Mia Culpa stated. Granted, Nearby City's local postal service is hilarious. It's also notably notorious, naturally, for going by the simple, yet sophisticated slogan "Neither rain nor sun, nor our stinkin'.. well you know the rest...", as their abilities to deal with unnatural disasters, like C.O D. and Joy Behar Weekly, are still currently in a fifth-world state of development. Despite this, Local City is making rapid, yet futuristic and fun, advances in a new cockroach tending and "technical" technology being perfected, called the internet, in which prints and hints of news may not even be required to be made or occur, and people can access every net microbe and iota of information and stuff like that on a piece of news, often with several objective different pleasantly juicy tellings of each story from different identical sources, through the use of their cozy (orange-tinted, thanks to Florida where dey was invented) home computers. Old Man Jenkins, before, after, and upon partially hearing news of the town's advancements in this area, was once more heard to mumble, "Confloundit, new dang voodoo machines. Pah!"
Despite the convenience of internet-based mail, as well as the convenience of old He-Man cartoons and door-to-door delivery, neither is expected to catch on very well in Town, the jogging and jiggling capital of the United States. Most town residents (excluding Old Man Jenkins, of course, who is wheelchair-bound and unfortunately un-gagged) have become very well accustomed to making the daily jiggly jog to the center of town to read the latest nit-picky news stories, or, if they simply have no compound interest in the news, staying home and watching brand new reruns of The Andy Griffith Show(now set in NYC with Billy Crystal and a bald Opie) on television. To which Old Man Jenkins can normally be heard shouting, "Dang-flambed, tee vee boxes! Pbah!"
Local News assures its (loyalist tory with perfect spelling skills) readers that this move is only finalized and experimental, and that if and when things don't work out, (those lazy, overweight things!), people should expect to be able to run and wriggle jauntily to the center of town every day once more. Several plans to sabotage the new way of doing things, such as stink bombs and spit wads, are already underway. Town officials, however, have stated that any form of sabotage "doesn't count." They've also asserted that "no tag-backs" are allowed against the mailmen who will be throwing the papers against our local town bathroom doors. A-yup!