UnNews:Tired of thin ice, Bush wants black ice

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25 January 2007

Nuts or stupid? You decide.

WASHINGTON, D.C., United States -- Responding to complaints that he is on thin ice in Iraq and Afghanistan, George W. Bush, the President of the United States, has announced he wants black ice.

“Everyone knows that blacks is harder”, Mr Bush said during the press conference, “and ever since Colin Powell left me, we have no blacks to blame for this mess, oh wait, there’s Condi, isn’t she looking mighty fine today?”

The press conference followed reports that the US Military had appealed to scientists to develop artificial black ice, for use in Afghanistan. The plastic-like substance, the brainchild of the US Defence Organised Research into Chemical Science (Dorcs), would be used to force slip-ups from enemies.

In a document published on the agency's website, officials point out that “to get from point A to point B, one must have sufficient traction with the ground”. Transportation experts could scarcely disagree. Also, the request for proposals suggests that “such a system will provide unprecedented situational control and sustained operational tempo, including the ability to shape the terrain by constraining adversaries to specific areas, control ingress/egress to buildings, degrade the ability of our adversaries to shoot and chase us, and gain time for our war fighters to act rather than react.’’ Transportation experts didn’t know what to say, but looked confused.

The “polymer ice” would be designed for hot, arid environments, “as found in Iraq and Afghanistan”, it said. A spray-on “reversal agent” could be incorporated into boots and tyres to prevent friendly forces sliding around.

According to war historians, ice has been used in warfare since at least the time Napoleon tried to invade Russia. However, experts are divided about whether an invading army has ever managed to use it, or if it has ever been used in a desert, or if the bunch of Americans in Afghanistan can be classified as an Army.

In the escalating conflict in the US Congress, Democrats have repeatedly accused Mr Bush of being on thin ice in Iraq. “That is rubbish, and just goes to show how little that Pelosi chick knows about the world, there aint no skiing in Afghanistan, it is all sand, I know, I asked my Dick”.

Sources

• Gavin Thomas "US military looks to 'black ice'" BBC News, January 25, 2007

• US Military "Presolicitation Notice" Defence Advanced Research Projects Agency, January 16, 2007