UnNews:Tennessee to recognize Redneck as official state language
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
8 February 2007
Nashville, TN -- In reaction to the the public outcry against the city's decision to make English their official language, the Tennessee State Legislature has just announced the success of a new bill rescending the city of Nashville's decision and proclaiming Redneck the official state language of Tennessee.
"Well it weren't a hard decision," said Representative Roscoe Conkling, a co-sponsor of the bill. "They ain't a buncha people what speak English hea, so why du hell they think we gonna make em speak a forren language?" When asked how the change will affect the official business of the Legislature, Rep. Conkling replied "won't be no diffurnt. We already done hold all our hearins and whatnot in Redneck. Alls we gotta do's figger out a way tuh translate alluh dem documents what we make."
"Jed's boy went tuh cumunity college tuh study computers and dat kinda stuff," Conkling continued. "He's working on some kinda robot dat'll do dat for us."
Prof. Kevin Pierce, a noted Harvard linguist who has studied Southern Communication for over 30 years, agrees with the senator. "Most people in Tennessee are not native English speakers. Redneck is the language they grew up with around the house, the language they learned in school, and the language they use at their workplace. Less than a quarter of Tennesseeans can speak English, and it would certainly be unfair to force the majority to speak their language."
The bill has received many "yee-haws" from Tennessee citizens. Billy-Joe Clampett, who describes himself as an "average Joe six-toe," says that the bill is a God-send to the hard-working hicks of his state. He was one of thousands of people who showed up in front of the State Capitol to shoot their guns into the air in a display of support for their lawmakers. "We's been speekin' Redneck fo s'long's I can member. My mammy and pappy spoke it, and they learned it frum dere mammy and pappy." Mr. Clampett, along with others, felt that the linguistic heritage of Tennessee was being threatened "what with alluh dem goddamn Messicans comin' over here, and them fags." Continued Mr. Clampett, "only fags speak English."
Another reason behind the law is the thriving country music industry located in Nashville. "When people think country and western, they think Nashville," said Larry Cash, an English-speaking lobbyist for the music industry. "If English became the official language, how could we make music?" The majority of artists Cash represents "are incapable of rhyming in English."
The bill is not without opposition, however. A small but vocal group of intellectuals have spoken up for the need to speak English, at least in official matters. Their press release notes that it is "asinine to conduct our business in a language different than that of the United States, of which we are still a part." They beg the Tennessee Legislature to "stop being idiots" and "speak English, for Christ's sake." This statement is believed to have been signed by all twelve intellectuals in Tennessee.
But the State Government has turned a blind eye. "Lisen here," said Rep. Conkling. "They's a shitload uh people what speak Redneck, and that ain't gonna change. Dis how we gonna talk fer a long time, so's ya mightaswell get useta it."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Associated Press "Council votes to make English Nashville's official language" Houston Chronicle, February 08, 2007
- Jethro Q. Walrustitty, PhD "A Linguistic Study of the South" Fake book publishing house, inc, Last Tuesday