UnNews:Take-over bid described as "farcical".

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 June 2007

BRISBANE, Australia -- The Australian Share Market has been surprisingly unaffected by the withdrawal of a seemingly major take-over bid. On the back of multi-billion dollar offers to Australian companies such as Qantas and Coles, several bids on multinational companies have been made in the last month.

Gary's Green Grocer, a small independent business in the satellite city of Ipswich, Australia, recently submitted offers to companies such as Microsoft, Apple, McDonalds, Coca-Cola and (curiously) the American Government, despite it not being listed on the exchange. However, all these bids were retracted just two weeks later, due to "Unforeseen Financial Issues" as the GGG's proprietor, Gary Sarantopoulos, explained. During an exclusive interview with Channel Nine's 60 Minutes, Mr Sarantopoulos revealed he was never hopeful of taking a major holding in the companies. The interview was then halted as Mr Sarantopoulos yelled out his front window at several dogs, children and a tree stump he accused of being "Satan himself".

Apple was not impressed with the proposal, similar to the other companies involved.

When contacted for comment on the takeover bids, the companies responded in similar ways, with Apple dismissing the offer and labeling Mr Sarantopoulos as "rude, incoherent and overtly prejudiced". This criticism was backed up by Coca-Cola, who claim that Mr Sarantopoulos bypassed strict security protical and burst into a major board meeting (allegedly drunk). He attempted to start a fight with a secretary, before calling CEO Edward Isdell a "f***ing wanker" for not accepting his offer on the spot. Mr Sarantopoulos managed to set fire to a water cooler before he was removed by police and deported back to Australia.

Speculation continues over the exact nature of the offers, although a leaked Post-it note left by Mr Sarantopoulos to his brother describes the package as "$30 for the lot" with a bonus package consisting of "2 cartons of Benson and Hedges Ultra Mild and a bottle of nice wine". The offer of thirty Australian dollars was described as "laughable" and "frivolous" by prominent market advisors, citing the fact that the bid was several hundred million percent less than the companies' net income.

When contacted for comment on these claims of being a "disgraceful example of idiocy", Mr Sarantopoulos's solicitor replied on his behalf, saying "Mr Sarantopoulos is a man of great honour and excellent judgement, who was misled into making a poor attempt at market acquisition by a badly constructed Wikipedia page". The solicitor's moustache then fell off, revealing him to be Mr Sarantopoulos.

Gary Sarantopoulos faces one count of assault in the US, with extradition an unlikely avenue.