UnNews:Swedish province declares independence
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 December 2010
ÖSTERSUND, Sweden -- At 12:00 local time, Karl-Bertil Jönsson of the Jämtish People's Party announced the Independence of the Jämtish People's Republic, triggering an immediate invasion of the Swedish armed forces already on standby at the border.
Jämtland, a province in the northwest of Sweden that primarily consists of moosehunters, tree-farmers and teenagers. The only interests the people of Jämtland have in common are: moosehunting, tree-farming and true Christian, lovable war for freedom. For decades now, Jämtland has expressed a wish for independence from Sweden--a wish that has been refused firmly by the Swedish goverment.
As time passed, the world thought the revolution had slowly been silenced by the greater Swedish calling: To build and sell weapons, cars and furniture with cute names to the rest of the known universe. Unfortunately, they've spent the entire time planning, nurturing trees and preparing for war. (Swedes are not to be confused with tree-huggers.)
As the conflict escalated in the course of the morning, heavy casualties were inflicted on both sides, according to local sources.
Brigadier Sven Fagerström of the Swedish general staff said, "The insurgent force is far more well organized and prepared than we anticipated. We've gained much ground during the initial attack and the operation is escalating accordingly. As we close in on Östersund, the resistance intensifies. At the moment, progress is rather slow. Even though the ground forces have suffered many fatalities, the offensive will continue until our objectives are achieved. Hopefully we'll have mobile artillery in place by the end of the day."
Brigadier Fagerström also said, "The fighting is not expected to end before tomorrow. And that's an optimistic assessment."
The militants, on the other hand, have another point of view. Mr. Jönsson posted on his Facebook page that they do have the upper hand: "We are close. Closer than ever. If they (the Swedish military) maintain this kill-ratio, they will be forced to withdraw before morning."
A new world war?
High-level diplomatic talks failed in the early hours today as almost every faction in the Northern-European peninsula represented at the summit in Brussels went into an all-out brawl, after discussing the sensetive topic.
Swedish representative Hannes Brix said, "Norway was behind it all along. I've got no proof, but i know it! It's always them!"
"At least they have motives," he argued, dismissing the people of Jämtlands' ablility to create their own opinion as "nonsense." "Sweden is superior to any other country; why would anyone want to break free?"
In response to Brix's "disgraceful" comment, Norway has stepped up combat air patrols in the airspace over the border and has issued a "code Kämpeviktigt" state of readyness for its armed forces.
A United States Foreign Office spokeswomen told the Washington Post, "America will stand behind it's allies, especially when they're flying our jets."
EU to the rescue?
The European Commission said the escalating conflict had "reached alarming proportions".
Whether the EU backs Sweden in this matter is decisive to the outcome of the conflict, experts say. "If faced with a choice between being dragged into a war with other NATO countries and losing an opportunity to sell aircraft, the US will have no choice but to stand down.
The CIS has already denied any interests in the conflict. "When explorer was sold to France, Sweden lost it's value to us." said the Russian envoy to the Brussels Boris Kushnetjev.
