UnNews:Survey: US evangelicals don't know what the fuck to think anymore
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 November 2006
FAIRFAX COUNTY, VIRGINIA -- A survey conducted this week by Fleischmann & Hill following the November 7 United States midterm elections has revealed that members of the nation's evangelical Protestant churches no longer know what the fuck to think.
An overwhelming majority (87%) of those responding to the survey admitted to not having "the foggiest fucking notion of what the hell is going on anymore," with ten percent claiming that they "still basically get it, but what the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck?" and three percent undecided.
The events of the past few months have caused a great deal of confusion to evangelicals. Homemaker Sue Killeen, 45, of Moreno Valley, California, expressed anxiety about the ideological makeup of the candidates for office in the midterm elections: "OK, the way I always understood it was, you vote for the Republican because the Republican will be a conservative family man, pro-life, pro-gun, anti-tax, and presumably happily married to an adult human woman."
"But now it turns out that half of these jackoffs are screaming flamers or child diddlers," Killeen continued, "and some of them vote for gun control and whopping pork barrel projects for their districts and other namby-pamby liberal shit like that. And if that's not bad enough, a lot of these new Democrat guys are gun-toting pro-lifers who have been in the military and enjoy sexual congress with females. Well, what the fuck kind of shit is that? You know?"
Problems within the church itself have also contributed to the bemusement of the average American evangelical. For Evan Golder, 29, of Tysons Corner, Virginia, the recent sex and drug scandal involving evangelical leader Ted Haggard is enough to make him question whether church membership is any longer a reliable indicator of political righteousness. "Going to the voting booth didn't used to be shit," complained Golder. "It was easy: you vote for whomever your pastor told you to vote for. Those were the guys you could trust for political advice, because, being leaders of the fucking church and all, they knew what the fuck was up. But now? Well, who the fuck knows, you know? Now that it turns out these guys are all a bunch of drugged out pole-smokers or whatever, I mean. Do you know what the fuck I'm supposed to do now? Shit, I sure don't."
Survey respondents almost unanimously stated that voting would be more difficult for them in the future, and most expressed bewilderment at the prospect of making political decisions. "I guess I'm supposed to actually evaluate each political candidate based on his previous voting record, and make an educated guess as to how, based on that record, his or her actions while in office are likely to affect my economic and social well-being, as well as how the candidate's moral values are likely to militate to the benefit or detriment of the public good," said bakery truck driver Samuel Novello of Lomita, California. "Well, who the fuck has time for that shit?"
Buddhists showed no major changes in attitude or confidence, with nearly 100% continuing to show an almost creepy aloofness from all earthly concerns.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Fleischmann & Hill Survey and Consulting "[ A Survey of Political Attitudes and Confidence of US Churchgoers]" Fleischmann & Hill, November 13, 2006