UnNews:Summer Travel Guide
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 July 2007
Many people will spin bullshit detailing magnificent trips to Prague and wild adventures in Berlin and so on. So in no particular order, this reporter will be retaking math instead of vacationing, the top places to shy away from when planning your summer vacation this year because you cannot go skiing in Aspen with daddy's money every year.
Compton, California
Thinking of taking on a last great trip before college? Why not get trapped in a perpetual gang war? Remember almost everyone in Compton is a lot tougher than Cuba Gooding Jr. in Boyz in the Hood or the sequel Snow Dogs, while those not tougher than these two Gooding roles can be found in the Compton Coroners office. After the great Crack Epidemic ravaged the land in the 90s, its bustling economy is now known for exporting essential textiles such as crystal meth and dead bodies. Just watch Boyz in the Hood from the safety of your gated community.
Baghdad, Iraq
A mainstay of places to avoid since the 9th century, Baghdad continues to make the 2007 list. Wow your classmates with tales of brutal civil war by taking a voyage to this cultural hotspot. See a melting pot of cultures all around, literally ,as many cultures in this region routinely explode and scatter the pulp of their culture in all directions. Those students who enjoy going to concerts over the summer will be delighted to hear about Iraq’s bustling underground music scene. Underground, as musicians caught above ground are immediately filleted, after which their appendages are used in Iraq’s famous cuisine. Vacationer will be delighted to here of Iraq’s helpful travel guides eager to show you the sights of this cradle of civilization. He will be standing by the Loch Ness Monster.
Port Au Prince, Haiti
The etymology of Port Au Prince originates from a Haitian phrase meaning, “to feel like royalty.” This is exactly the sensation one feels, regardless of age, when entering this city. Simply witnessing the abject poverty decimating this overcrowded pit instills an incredible sense of aristocracy in tourists regardless of how often they must resort to the dollar menu when back in the States. Travel guides say this feeling of entitlement might not be as trendy as years past do to the (most) recent revolution. Regardless, the Haitian economy is one of the most stagnate in the world, so practically everyone will feel superior anyway despite how altruistic they are in normal life. With your new found sense of privilege make sure to tip well as the one bright spot of this city is the magnificent cookery. Haitian chefs tickle your palette with the sensual seasonings known as Epis consisting of sugar, L.S.D., and whatever other drugs the bus boy has overdosed on the previous day. While corruption in the federal government is sky high, trendy sightseers will note that economic mobility is equally high. Who wouldn’t want to leave America as a high schooler who can’t pass Academic Development and return (or not) as a Haitian kingpin. A brief glimmer of hope was found in the Great Fire of 1711. Sadly, it burnt itself out and government corruption soon returned. So if you want one of those colorful hats with dreadlocks sewn on or a previously undiscovered strand of Scabbies, Haiti is the place for you to spend your summer months.
Detroit, Michigan
Have you always wanted your retreat to end in a murder or a sprint away from the police? Look no further than Detroit, Michigan. Summer is a less than ideal type of year for travel here as tourists will miss out on the Halloween tradition dressing up as Kid Rock and igniting black cats with gasoline and 80 proof. However, one may have the fortune of witnessing one of their local sports teams win a league title. These fabulous events typically culminate in residents raising the city to the ground while looting and tipping over cheap Hondas. Speaking of cars, travel agents advise to refrain from using the words GM or Motor City, as bulk of the automotive industry fled the city decades ago leaving Detroit and its suburbs to become paragons of urban decay. Who can forget the sign advertising Rabbits: Pets or Meat in Roger & Me. This bare-knuckle documentary culminates in a cute rabbit desperately fleeing his cooing owner’s arms. Shortly after the loving breeder harshly skins the rabbit on camera to use as food in the impoverished town, hilarity does not ensue.
Sierra Leone (African Continent)
Have you sat in your History class and thought, “Gee I wish I could have witnessed the Holocaust, it would have made a great summer getaway.” Then act now because specials are going fast and supplies are limited for deals to the Sierra Leone. Get a first class look into a full-scale mass genocide. If extreme vacations are your bag baby, then behold the wonderful lands of the Loma Mensa in a whimsical game of landmine hopscotch across war torn lands ensures fun for the whole family. To the North lies the Sahara desert, a suffocating sandbox of death, and its other neighbors answer to the names of HIV and poverty. Travel guides suggest staying in the pleasantly tropical country of the Sierra Leon and its ironically titled capital of Freetown, where political dissenters are routinely massacred in the spirit of all encompassing justice for all. Hotels promise an exquisite view of the breathtaking lands of this tropical gem where open pit mines provide the backdrop for the natives to mercilessly slaughter each other over the aptly named conflict diamonds, which are later bickered over in divorce proceedings. World leading diamond mining group, De Beers has taken a stand against this practice, favoring to rape and scar the land with their own open pit mines, and for a little bit more, you can book a suite to watch both of these events happen simultaneously. In short, you haven’t lived until you’ve died in the Sierra Leone.
Pyongyang, North Korea
For those needing a self-esteem boost Pyongyang saves the day. Its entire army (over 1.21 million people) will be sent to meet YOU in the event you choose this lucky city as your summer getaway. The federal government has taken steps to soothe concerned parents making the border of North and South Korea one of the safest locales in all the world. Two entire armies stand on guard to ensure the safety of the young tourists. Just don’t make any sudden movement or you could cause a full scale thermonuclear war okie dokie? North Korea boasts unique lodging venues, the flagship of these is undoubtedly the Ryugyŏng Hotel. This trendy inn, which the Korean people endured a lengthy famine to build, exemplifies the peerless Korean architecture. Although $750 million dollars was spent, this hotel is available at bargain prices as it was never completed. Would be patrons can now purchase their very own 3.9 million square foot skyscraper for the cost of a one night stay at the Baghdad Ramada Inn. For savvy travelers Pyongyang provides a frugal and still exhilarating vacation for a young voyager.
