UnNews:Student government backs Jocks
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 October 2006
SANDY CITY, Utah -- The jocks at Alta High School are beating up band kids, chess dweebs, and Uncyclopedians with direct support and orders from the student government, a man claiming to be a former jock has told UnNews. "Chet" said he had taken part in pantsings of floutists after they had been dissed by the low brass. He said he had seen SBOs at the practices of the pro-swirlie athlete militia, the low-ranking Alta Hawks Football Team. President Bo Pennington has always denied any links to the football teams, who have been accused of war crimes against band geeks in the cafeteria bathroom. More than two hundred band kids have been beat up, humiliated, or tortured during the thirty-year conflict.
Some dude identified only as "Chet" told the UnNews's Ayatollah Gurkhmeini that student body officers gave express orders for the activities of his unit, which included slamming violinists into lockers and strangling trombonists. "The Jocks don't make decisions. The orders always come from the student government," he said. "They gave us orders, and they say that after we are trained they will give us guns and ammunition."
"Chet" - who is now seeking asylum at nearby Jordan High - said the men who had trained them were wearing the letterman jackets of the student government, adding that Attorney General Shey Grossen was a "regular visitor." The former fighter said the majority of the victims were geeks, mostly woodwinds, and also talked of "many pantsings" committed by the Jocks. "Whenever we go into the band room and find resistance we beat everyone up," he said, but denied that he personally pantsed or swirlied nerds.
Zach Storms, a master debater who visited the band room on Tuesday, said the man's evidence was "clearly very serious." Mr Storms urged him to speak to investigators from the National Honor Society.
The conflict began between the unlikable chauvinist pigs and the brooding, if uncouth, artistic geniuses after the low brass began hitting on cheerleaders, posting an application in their locker room. The rebels say the government is oppressing geeks, skaters, punks, emo kids, Indie kids, hippies, and art kids in favour of Jocks. Student government has always denied backing the jocks, saying the problems of genocide toward its rebel students who actually show some form of uniqueness are being exaggerated for political reasons. President Bo Pennington has called political rivals Band Council "thieves and gangsters."