UnNews:Something happened today
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 August 2008
SOMEWHERE - Something happened today. Someone did it, somehow, in some yet-to-be-determined way. Where? Definitely at the right place--and the right time—the worst, or best time possible, the precise second.
Afterwards, blood flowed, fires burned, grown men ripped out handfuls of hair like grandmothers, little girls ran around screaming. Followed closely by news reporters. We—the reporters that is--told you why it happened, but did any of you understand, much less care? Okay, whatever. What really matters is—what we said in the headline dummy--it happened. Our world, the dirt we trudge upon day in, day out, will NEVER be the same now. Everything has been changed--by something.
The grass in the Sudan has been observed growing at 90-degree angles to itself. The rate at which breaking news such as this downloads to your computer has been slightly but significantly reduced. Earthworm colonies are apparently collapsing, scattering and slowly desiccating. While these are important, even stunning consequences, they pale like an albino next to the fact that your own life, in its very essence, IS now irrevocably changed.
Things that you might have done, you will more than likely never do now. Things you have done no longer carry the same weight. You did them? Sorry. Now that something has happened, your achievements rest on very shaky ground. Whatever plans you may have had are now meaningless, their underpinnings cut out by something. What you DO find in your irrevocably reduced self to now do, will be so abased compared to its original potential outcome, it would make far more sense for you to just crawl into a corner, curl up into a fetal position, and masturbate continuously, occasionally pausing only to watch the latest developments here.
And something could mean anything. Something may yet still be happening, right now! No one said it was finished yet. It might just be starting. Something may be expanding in scope, spreading to areas where something had never been seen previously. Something may even spawn new, totally unrelated and unpredictable events. MORE THINGS MAY STILL HAPPEN! Something may set off an entire chain of events, each more earth-shattering in turn, each more likely to reduce your once-happy existence to the equivalent of a heap of festering sludge.
At each turn, we will be there to inform you, to do our best to make sure you are fully consumed by these unthinkable concerns. Our teams of highly educated professionals are now flapping around like flocks of rabid ducks to find out! Policy makers are also watching, their attention riveted on something. Something very, indubitably important! They will make decisions. Some may help something, many will exacerbate something. We’ll be here to tell you about that too. Until then.