UnNews:Slaughter at Scifi Convention, audience members mauled
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
13 March 2007
HOUSTON, Texas – It was a like a scene out of “Star Wars, Episode 3” at the Convention Center Friday night, where forensic teams tried to match up parts of several dozen dismembered bodies in hopes of identifying the victims.
What had started as a demonstration of a functioning prototype "lightsabre", (developed by the Yodakenobi Corporation of Japan) became a bloodbath when a man dressed in a Darth Maul costume jumped onto the stage and grabbed the weapon. He then began attacking any audience member who was unfortunate enough to have come dressed as a Jedi. The audience tried to escape but many people were trapped near the stage due to a hugely obese man dressed as Jabba the Hutt, who was stuck in the doorway.
The attack suddenly ended when the madman moved too far from the stage and the power cord became unplugged. Seeing the weapon shut down, two off duty Texas Rangers in Imperial Storm Troopers costumes knocked him down, then a number of Professional Wrestling dwarves, dressed as Ewoks, pinned him until Security arrived. Police were then called in to make the arrest.
The man, 32 year old Jorge Lukis of Peoria, Illinois is being held on multiple first degree murder charges.
Lukis was escorted into Police Headquarters through a crowd of reporters yelling questions. When asked how he could do such a terrible thing, he turned and screamed back at the Media, “You don’t know the Power of the Dark Side!”. He claimed he was under orders from the “Emperor” who speaks to him through his Pet gerbil, “Jar Jar”.
When contacted at her home, Lukis’s Mother, had this to say, “I didn’t even know Jorge was in Texas, he said he was off to his shift at the KFC and that was the last I saw of him. He often disappears for days, just hiding in his room and playing with his dolls, oops, I mean 'Action Figures'. And I'm so busy with all my cats that I really don't have time to keep track of him.”
At a noon press conference, Police Chief Lyle Farnum announced the investigation was continuing and he was shocked that such a tragedy should occur. He stated, “I can’t understand it, I thought 'Star Wars' was a kids movie, what’s in it that would inspire such violence?”
Unnews will continue to follow this story as it progresses.
