UnNews:Seventeen US nukes get away

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 October 2010

“Oops!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Air Force lost partial control of up to fifty nuclear missiles for over an hour yesterday, and seventeen of them self-launched and their locations remain unknown. This comes weeks after retired US air force officers claimed that aliens are getting their hands on US nukes.

The problem, characterized as a Windows software issue, "mistakenly launched 17 of America's ICBMs yesterday morning,” said Air Force spokesman Lt. Col. Wesley Miller IX. The problem left the Air Force unable to monitor, communicate with, track, or if need be, self-destruct the launched missiles, even if the President had given the command, several military officials said. “We have no idea where they went,” said Miller, “but so far, no country has called to complain.”

Miller stressed that at no time was the American public in jeopardy, apart from those residing outside of Wyoming, as none of the missiles were programmed to target American cities.

The Minuteman III ICBMs are computer-controlled, multiple-warhead missiles, located in missile silos spread out around Warren Air Force Base in Wyoming. Each silo has now been inspected by base personnel to ascertain how many missiles had launched and to make certain all remaining missiles were secure. The United States's remaining 383 Minutemen would not have been affected; and the U.S. also has bomber-based and sea-based nuclear weapons.

The exact nature of the problem is still under investigation--but merely mentioning the words “Microsoft Windows” induces officials here to wince. "The specific cause for the disruption is currently being analyzed on-site by engineers from the Microsoft systems program office," according to an Air Force statement.

Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. Norton Schwartz informed Adm. Michael Mullen, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, about the glitch. Mullen made sure Secretary of Defense Robert Gates was informed, and Gates ensured that President Obama was kept "out of the loop."

Gates twice took the unprecedented step of firing himself because of notorious nuclear-weapons slip-ups--but both times he was reinstated. In August 2007, a B-52 bomber took off leaving six live, nuclear-tipped cruise missiles on the runway. DHL had to be called to make an on-site pick-up. Then, again using Microsoft technology, the USAF had nuclear weapons shipped from Taiwan in crates believed to contain only Lego figurines.

Meanwhile, there has been no news or communication from several significant countries. These will remain unnamed until their next of kin are notified.

Sources

• Staff "Air Force lost some communication with nuclear missiles" CNN, October 27, 2010