UnNews:Serious NHS Shortcomings Persist

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 August 2006

LONDON, England --The National Health Service is still “More fucked that you’d care to imagine" despite the extra billions poured in by the Government, according to a report published by a think-tank today. The organisation is still plagued by budget problems and a shortage of doctors. In one Hospital Doctors were replaced by mannequins, a cost cutting measure, resulting in a 200% Death rate amongst patients.

I'm a professional!

The mannequins, some of whom are children, were placed at strategic points around the hospital to make it appear fully staffed. Whilst the mannequins were generally incompetent at performing medical procedures, they were excellent at carrying out do not resuscitate orders.

Bizarrely this was actually an improvement over previous figures, when NHS trained human doctors had been operating in the hospital. This almost resulted in wide spread plans to replace doctors with mannequins, who “Won’t answer back, and can’t talk to journalists.”

Government targets were criticised as being laughably easy to meet, with objectives such as “Euthanasia does not cure hiccups.” And “Babies are not footballs.” More disturbing still is the failure to meet any of these targets. The government still continues to insist that most government targets are now being met. But patients still suffer form near universal incompetence throughout the heath service. Many staff are ignorant of the methods by which disease is spread; some still think that illness is caused by voodoo, others say that witch craft is to blame. Amputations are the standard treatment for most medical complaints, including the common cold. “I had a sneeze, they cut of my legs.” an angry patient complained. Another man told us "I just wanted an asprin, instead they offered me assisted suicide."

A Typical doctor.

The NHS complaints procedure was also criticised for being notoriously bureaucratic and obstructive. Evidence has shown that some patients were locked in ambulances outside hospital for weeks, in an attempt to prevent them from complaining. “They wouldn’t let me go till I ticked the excellent box.” One distraught child told us. On public health, obesity rates have risen by a "Perverse" 500% since 1980 and nearly 25% of the adult population is obese, Basically they’re fat, grotesquely fat, and it’s all their fault. The report, The NHS and the NHS Plan: Is The Extra Money Working?, also cast doubt on Government claims that more hospital surgery is being carried out during the day. “Most of the time they just cut up dead pigs.” Our informant told us, “Surgeons will do anything to look like they’re busy. Often they just go to the local butcher’s shops, and buy plies of meat, which they dump on the operating table, and if the hospital administrator comes by, they pretend to cut it up, all the administrator can see is blood and knives. He assumes that they’re doing their jobs. If any genuine patients come in, they just lock the operating theatre doors and pretend they’ve lost the keys. Until the patient either leaves or dies. Some times they deflate tyres on ambulances. On Monday’s its worse. I’ve seen them shoot at ambulances, with machine guns, and drop grenades out of the windows, to keep them away from the hospital. Often the medics have to fight their way in. Patients have been used as human shields, on a regular basis. ”

On death rates from strokes, the UK is the only country among several developed nations where there has been "virtually no improvement" between 1999 and 2003, and has “actually been going backwards.” The report continued. During that period, deaths from strokes in the UK were around one million % higher than in Australia, Canada, Japan, Sweden, Switzerland and any other country you’d care to mention. “It’s worse than the middle ages.” One government official told us. “If you’re ill all they do is cut off limbs, and stick leaches on your head.”

Public spending on the NHS in England has increased under Labour from £44 billion to £76.4 billion. But James Gubb, the author of the report, said his study showed the money had not been well spent. “There were trips to Vegas.” He explained. “Money was lost, shit loads of money. They could have spent it properly; instead they pissed it up the wall.” Apparently the NHS report on expenditure simply had one word written on it, “Blackjack.”

He added: "In the vast majority of areas improvements in the NHS have in no way increased in proportion to the vast sums of money ploughed into its coffers. Is the extra money working? To a limited extent one has to say yes, for there have been achievements; lost pens have been found. However the NHS's historic inability to deal with anything of a medical nature still remains painfully apparent.”