UnNews:Sen. Bunning blocks loot, embarrassing everyone

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 March 2010

Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky, who single-handedly blocked distribution of loot to citizens out of work with perfectly valid excuses.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Jim Bunning again blocked the Senate from extending unemployment payments to the jobless.

The motto of the U.S. Senate is, "Don't speak when you can nod, and don't nod when you can wink." And, under its unique rules of procedure, the Senate can cut corners if everyone winks. Sen. Bunning on Tuesday refused to wink and brought business (and notably, loot) to a halt. Democrats bared their fangs, while members of Sen. Bunning's minority party, whose name could not be determined, backed away from him and left his neck exposed.

The issue was an extension of the beloved system that pays unemployed Americans tax-free cash plus health benefits for up to 99 weeks. Recipients wait for their old jobs to return, in the same city, at the same pay, while they do odd jobs under the table. The plan also covers Americans who claim that physical or mental condition or the "bad economy" permanently free them of any duty to do anything useful for their fellow citizens. Democrats had re-instituted a rule called "Pay as You Go," under which any Senator who proposes anything useful has to agree to tax increases "to pay for it." Sen. Bunning awkwardly proposed that Democrats who wanted to extend unemployment payments had to cut somewhere else.

Ironically, the extension of payments was proposed by an alleged member of Sen. Bunning's own party, Sen. Susan Collins of Maine. "Without fresh dollops of free money, I feel that Maine will physically crumble into the Atlantic Ocean," said a tearful Sen. Collins. Her state's motto is Dirigo, which is Latin for, "I borrow."

Sen. Bunning, from Kentucky, said the extension would add $10 billion to the budget deficit, which is at unsustainable levels. Of course, this has been true for all 14 months of the Barack Obama Presidency, as well as the 96 months of George Bush. The only thing that would have changed is that the long-range sensors of the Starship Senate have just locked onto next November's federal election.

The opposition leader, whose name was not known, is also from Kentucky. He had successfully pushed Sen. Bunning to retire. Ironically, that means Sen. Bunning doesn't give a bleep about re-election, the usual motive to keep borrowing money from China to give to people who don't work.

The Senate's leader, Harry Reid of Nevada, has implored Sen. Bunning to relent. He doesn't mean it, as he is in the same election, he might survive by claiming Sen. Bunning is the problem, and he will surely not survive by merely solving the problem.

Sources

• Andrew Taylor "Kentucky's Bunning again blocks jobless benefits" Associated Press, March 2, 2010