UnNews:Scientologists Step Up Bombing Campaign

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 December 2008

Scientology Headquarters. Note how the threatening looking building resembles a secure mental hospital, or Victorian workhouse.

Denver, US - Scientology Fundamentalists have claimed responsibility for a blast in a phone box, outside Chuck's Pizza Palace in Denver, Colorado, which went off at 15:10 yesterday afternoon, as part of their ongoing crusade to turn the United States into a Scientologist State. Two pizza delivery bikes were injured and a horse had to be put down. The money grabbing cult, who believe that an alien called Xenu captured the souls of aliens, injected them with beer, flew them in a B1 Bomber to earth and threw them into a volcano or some bunkum or other, have been using explosives to cause terror and panic throughout the US. This is the fifth incident this week, following two bombs in a vat of slurry near the city of Detroit, and a further two in a sewage works in Washington.

A statement by the cult said "We claim responsibility for the Denver Phone Box Bomb. Soon, America will become a Scientologist State, and the word of Our Lord L Ron Hubbard will prevail."

Mayor of Denver, John Chickenpooper slammed the bombers as "Spineless Cowards", and immediately called on the Fire Brigade to catch the "Alien Menace". Relatives of the horse are said to be "devastated", and are unable to eat sugar lumps and canter around aimlessly.

Buffoon

Tom Cruise, on whose appearance, modern images of Jesus Christ were based.

But actor and self appointed spokesman, Tom Cruise who was famous for appearing in Top Gun, (which was rated by The New York Times as "the gayest film ever") has spoken out in support of the bombings. "It is clear that the Scientology blasts have saved more lives than the General Surgeon. People are finally taking us seriously now, after years of slander! I can't believe you can be critical of the bombings! You lot are a bunch of jerks!" He then ranted on for about ten minutes about how through applying Scientology theory, he now has an IQ of 289, has learnt how to fly, perform full body transplants, delivered world peace and can now convert rotting carrion into gold.

Scientology, a belief system for simple minded proles with bottomless wallets, was founded by L Ron Hubbard, a science fiction writer, who amongst other lies, claimed to have invented the game of snooker, dynamite, wrote most of the tracks on The Beatles' Sergeant Pepper album, and founded London's famous Metropolitan Police.

Sources

• Zaccheus Duckworth-Fontcache "Bunch Of Bloody Weirdos" The Independent, 2008