UnNews:Royal wedding night a success

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

30 April 2011

The young couple... One would.

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Yesterday, the royal wedding between British monarch Prince William and his now-wife Kate Middleton took place with unmarred success. Early reports are now also indicating that the following wedding night was similarly successful.

After a long day of pomp and public appearances, the young royals were in dire need of some time alone, retiring to their private chambers for an intimate celebration of their love. They were joined by just five hundred onlookers and a small BBC camera crew, many of whom had camped out in the bedroom since the early hours of the morn. "It was a lovely consummation," said a member of the crowd, who had turned up wearing a Union Jack coloured condom over her head. "I'm glad they repeated the balcony kiss tradition started by Charles and Diana in the 80s. It's just a shame that, since then, 'balcony kiss' has become a slang term for rimming."

Speaking to one of our reporters several days ago, William explained his plans for the evening: "Well, we'll start with a nice romantic meal, then we will probably have a dance, then I'll take her back to our royal suite where One will 'stamp one through her', so to speak."

The ceremony started with William presenting Kate with the crown jewels, although sadly for viewers watching at home these were pixelated. The couple quickly got down to their official business of maintaining the line of royal succession, stripping down to their ceremonial underwear and saying the Lord's Prayer together. Kate wore a lovely piece of lingerie designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. She was careful to remove her wedding ring before proceedings, although this was quickly replaced by another sort of ring. Then the whole thing kicked off with the traditional blowing of the royal trumpet, which the Duchess of Cambridge has been practicing for all week.

The big question on everyone's lips was would the future queen do anal, and the nation were absolutely delighted when she did. Needless to say, the British people have really taken Kate to their hearts, as well as several other body parts. Our royal correspondent, who was concealed in the wardrobe, said, "It's moments like this when the whole country comes together... And then again when we do the re-cap at 10 PM."

People are already talking about succession, and there has been much excitement. This of course is despite the fact that the couple’s offspring would only be third in line for the throne and has the difficult task of outliving Queen Elizabeth II. When asked if he had succeeded in impregnating his wife, William replied, "By Jove, I bloody well hope not."

Sources

• "Secrecy surrounds royal honeymoon spot" ABC, April 30, 2011