UnNews:Republicans to Republicans: Fuck Republicans!

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1 July 2010

Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT): "Seriously you guys, fuck us. We suck."

WASHINGTON D.C., United States of America -- Top Republican Senators from across the nation met today on Capital Hill to discuss their plan of action to block any upcoming presidential legislation. After a brief exchange of words a shout in the crowd of Senators caught everyone's attention: "You know what? Fuck Republicans! We suck!" The yell silenced the hall as everyone scanned the audience to find the culprit.

Much to the surprise of the group, the call was not from Joe Wilson (R-SC), mainly because Wilson is not a member of the Senate, rather was a Representative. Senator Bob Bennett (R-UT) stepped forward as the mastermind behind the whole thing, adding "Seriously you guys, fuck us. We suck. Really badly. Never have I seen a greater concentration of suck in my life."

One by one the Senators began to agree with Bennett. Cries of "Yeah, fuck us!" and "I suck just as bad as the Republican Party" could be heard echoing throughout the room. Within seconds the entire room was bustling with complaints about the Republican Party. Senators began marching down the streets of Washington demanding the dismantling of the party immediately.

The clusterfuck concluded with the booming voice of Minority Leader, John Boenher, who joined the crowd of disgruntled Republican Senators, along with his army of Republican Representatives. Standing at the podium erected in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue, Boenher announced the dissolving of the Republican Party, and ushered in the new "more awesome super party...", The Super Alliance of Avid Obama Haters Party. He announced that "The Republican Party was no longer suiting our motives in Washington. Frankly, we were all fucking pussies until we decided to make this ground-breaking decision 35 minutes ago. Fucking bitches. We sucked."

One onlooker of the crowd questioned "How could a party full of fucking pussies have survived over one hundred years? Grand Old Party my ass. More like... Grand Old Pussies!" The onlooker proceeded to laugh at his own joke for several minutes, completely disregarding the celebration for the new Political Party being born.

Sources

• "Republicans: Man, we fucking suck!" CNN, June 30, 2010

• "Obama: Fuck you, Republicans!" CNN, June 30, 2010