UnNews:Record company rep also says whales are safe
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
18 March 2013
Did you already forget the fuss about Bob Dylan killing off whales by proxy with his nasal honking? We did too - but some people did not. UnNews received a telefax (you remember those? Words on paper. Sent through telephone wires with a machine that resembles a toaster) from Bob Dylan's record company, the Robert Zimmerman Records Inc. The message ran thus:
"Dear UnNews editors! We apologise profusely for not contacting you earlier. Apparently there has been some kind of a communication breakdown between us. These things happen. Luckily, we are in time to repair any damage the situation has caused to the welfare of the community.
Without further ado, let me recap what has happened so far. Someone set in motion a rumour that Bob Dylan is a danger to whales, because a lot of whale bone things - decorative things, mostly - will be needed to replace those that some frequencies in Bob's voice gradually break down through resonance. Then an enthusiast belonging to your news crew contacted Mr. Zimmerman himself and asked him if there was anything to the rumour. Mr. Dylan replied there was not. So far so good.
Let me first handle the initial part of the business - the supposed danger to whales. There is none. Nothing is made out of whale bones nowadays! No matter how many appliances and other things Bob's voice manages to break during the next two hundred years - which was the estimated time scope in the first article of this deplorable smear campaign - absolutely no new ones will be made.
Then, the second newspiece. Never, ever contact Mr. Dylan again. It will damage his reputation beyond repair if people like you are seen to have any kind of communication with him. That will be all.
Yours sincerely, Jim Merman, esq."
While we at UnNews are obviously relieved to know that whales will not go extinct by the year 2300 as far as Bob Dylan's voice is concerned, we are greatly incensed at the suggestion that we are not fit to be seen to communicate with this folk music Mega Hyper Hero. We love reflected glory. Now these people have deprived us of it. They will have to watch their step.