UnNews:Dylan says whales are safe

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 February 2013

This man still doesn't care about whales - but he refuses to admit he hates them, either.

“Let whales come to me themselves. I'm certain we can sort it all out.”

~ Bob Zimmerman on his trouble with whales

Lately, there has been a lot of ill-feeling about whales in Bob Dylan's camp. It all began when sources unknown to right-thinking UnNews reporters managed to slip in this newspiece about the supposed damage Bob Dylan is causing to these huge, bloodthirsty sea mammals. Since Uncyclopedia is an independent, sickeningly open forum, we had no way of suppressing the newspiece. Naturally Mr. Dylan was incensed upon finding out about the accusations. If you can, put yourself in his place. How would you have reacted?

Some of us UnNews reporters were ashamed. We decided to strike back against these spineless liberals and their useless, plankton-killing protégées. We wanted honest answers, so we contacted Bob Dylan himself. After long and tedious negotiations we managed to get a short interview out of the mega-class star. (The following is a concise version of the interview. For the full transcript, go elsewhere. It has boring parts in it because our equipment first refused to work. It's these new eyepads, you know.)

UnNews: "I love all your records. But what about this whale thing?"

Bob: "What the hell are you talking about?"

UnNews: "There was a newspiece in UnNews that some frequencies in your voice..."

Dylan: "I have no idea of what you're talking about. What's UnNews?"

UnNews: "It's an independent news service working under the famous Uncyclopedia, and..."

Zimmerman: "All right, never mind. Get to the point."

UnNews: "In short, it is believed that you are a danger to whales."

Robert: "That's nonsense. Are we done?"

With that, Mr. Dylan ended the discussion. We could only admire the swift, scathing, seething sharpness with which the famous poet broke down our careful line of inquiry and left us literally speechless. There can be no doubt: this man could never pose a danger to whales. We hope the mass hysteria around the so-called extinction of whales can now be put to rest - and if the hysteria continues, at least leave Bob Dylan out of it!