UnNews:Pranked nurse speaks through medium
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
12 December 2012
Slobozia, Romania --
Noted psychic and spiritualist, Zoveri Zilli, held a press conference today in which she channeled the ghost of nurse Jacintha Saldanha, the woman who recently killed herself after receiving a prank call.
In the days following her suicide, humanity has been convulsed with grief. World leaders and celebrities of all kinds have lined up to voice their outrage.
It has been estimated that every day, a forest the size of Portugal is felled to make paper so that newspapers can continue reporting on the unfortunate incident.
But now according to medium Zilli, Saldanha herself has decided to break her silence and weigh in on the issue. In front of a packed room filled with journalists from across the globe, Zilli went into a trance and made the following statement, purportedly from Saldanha:
"Enough already! Really, this is getting beyond ridiculous. Is there nothing else on planet Earth to talk about? What about that Mayan Calendar thing? You want to do more stories about suicide? Great, well, you can start by Googling how many people worldwide commit suicide every day. Take that and run with it. In the meantime, stop using me to sell your stupid newspapers or I will have no choice but to consult an attorney, and let me tell you, there are some really good ones here in the afterlife, and they know how to use ouija boards. I have to get out of this woman's body now, and not just because it's difficult to maintain a connection from the astral plane. Frankly, it smells like rancid salami in here."
With that, Zilli slumped in her chair. Before being led away by attendants, she was seen to whisper something urgently into the ear of her assistant, Ripya Kokov. Kokov told reporters that Ms. Zilli was unfortunately too overcome to take any questions, but had asked her, for safety reasons, to please make very clear to everyone that what they had just witnessed was real and not a prank, lest anyone mistakenly kill themselves.
