UnNews:Pope John Paul II's sainthood in doubt after murder

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 April 2014

The statue of Christ ended up much more horizontal than usual.

John Paul II, the last-but-one Pope, saw his dreams of sainthood seriously threatened after he crushed a 21-year-old Italian chap to death.

The incident occurred on Thursday when a statue of Christ, dedicated to the late Pope, shifted on its foundations and took out Marco Gusmini, one of many people attending the opening ceremony.

Pope John Paul II was due to be canonised next week, but some commentators are calling for his sainthood to be cancelled. "There are many strange saints of all shapes and sizes," says theologian Joanna Corey, "but this is a clear example of a pope coming back from the dead to kill someone - it just isn't good enough."

However, others are taking an entirely different line. Father Graham Fondles, a long term supporter of the Pope's canonisation, pointed out that the act could be considered a miracle, "as soon as we dig up some dirt on the Gusmini boy."

He added, "Our late heavenly lovelitude's claims to sainthood were always complicated by the lack of tangible miracles in his lifetime, but if we find out that this boy was, say, a mafioso, or a feckless Italian adulterer, we're cooking with gas!"

Gusmini's family were said to be too distraught to comment, but a childhood friend told UnNews, "He always said that if he had to go, he would like to be crushed by a 30m statue of Christ, so in a way, it's what he would have wanted."

Sources

• Leverage, "John Paul II crucifix crushes man in northern Italy" BBC, April 24, 2013