UnNews:Paris Hilton Released Using "Get Out of Jail Free" Card
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 June 2007
Free Press: Paris Hilton is out of jail only days after imprisonment for violating the probation she received for impaired driving, using a get out of jail free card she purchased from a heavily-indebted inmate.
"It says something about American society that our laws are flexible enough to benefit everyone involved," declared Hilton's lawyer, after the deal in which the card-seller received enough cash to unmortgage a large amount of property. "One inmate is out of debt, another is free. The free enterprise system is truly a wondrous and democratic institution."
Hilton was arrested when the car she was driving swerved around a top-hat and nearly missed an old shoe as she sped down Atlantic Avenue and past Marvin Gardens. "It creates a double standard," complained one legal critic, "Park Place-types can simply buy their way around the law from Baltic Avenue-types. The penalties against the rich will be completely ineffective."
Hilton disagreed, insisting that she had been successfully rehabilitated. "I am a changed person. I now understand that by helping others, I ultimately help myself," she said. "Why, that poor woman I bought the card from did not have even $200 to her name; she went straight to prison without even being permitted to collect her paycheque. It puts me at ease to know that whenever I drive impaired, I will be able to make the world a better place. And if I get suspended for driving impaired, I can drive anyway and help others if I'm caught. That's so, like, hot."
When asked whether someone so wealthy should benefit from the limited resources of the Community Chest, Hilton insisted: "People think I'm wealthy, but honestly, my own chest is insubstantial enough that I really do need to benefit from the community's. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish my house arrest in one of Daddy's hotels on the Boardwalk."
Card determined to be forgery; Hilton re-imprisoned[edit | edit source]
8 June 2007
UnFree Press: Paris Hilton landed straight back in prison after a judge determined that her Get Out of Jail Free card was a forgery. "I at no time condoned the actions of the sheriff and at no time told him I approved the actions" stated Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, "clearly the card was not an official Los Angeles county get out of jail free card. It was from a Monopoly set. Not even a proper Monopoly set, but a Dogopoly set."
California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger expressed concern about the forgery: "It's a sad day when people can take advantage of our early-release programs under false pretences. We need to preserve the integrity of the get-out-of-jail-free program. Celebrities should never have special consideration unless circumstances suggest special consideration is necessary for celebrities."
Hilton was taken back to jail screaming and crying, disheveled and weeping, hair askew, without makeup, wearing a fuzzy gray sweat shirt over slacks, paparazzi sprinting in pursuit and helicopters broadcasting live from above. "It's not right!" she screamed, "Keep the cameras back. No one should see me like this!"
Several blocks away, there was a major crime scene involving murder, drugs (well, we think there was drugs) and possibly - probably - severe danger to the public. We will get right on that story as soon as we have some reporters available. Details at eleven.
She got the said jail-release card dirty after preparing lines of coke which then turned out to be salt, thus drying out her brain further.
Text of disputed card:
GET OUT OF JAIL FREE* * not valid in California, Nevada, Iraq, or certain regions of Mauritania; not valid for Osama bin Laden, Martha Stewart, and especially not you, Paris Hilton!
Upon careful examination, the judge declared the card invalid, because Los Angeles is located in the state of California.
Hilton rolls out of prison, promotes new fashion lines[edit | edit source]
26 June 2007
Free Parking Press: After three tormenting weeks in a Los Angeles prison, Paris Hilton was finally released Tuesday, wearing a Milan original turquoise blouse with matching miniskirt and pumps, and greeting a mass of reporters on her way out. "She just rolled out of there, double-high fiving people along the way" said one observer, "she obviously thinks she's still a perfect 10." Hilton looked much better than when she arrived, with her hair newly braided and fresh make-up all courtesy of several prison guards. "They did it in exchange for autographs" Hilton laughed as she handed the chauffeur her magenta sweater-scarf combination, got into her limousine and sped off past St. Charles' Place.
Later, however, Hilton appeared traumatized by her prison experience. "It was awful, all the girls could see me without blush or eyeliner," she said as she started crying during an interview at the Waterworks company property, wearing the latest Donatella Versace. "You can't even get the necessities there - not even basic lipstick. And the inmates teased me" (here Hilton's mascara started to run), "until I bought off a few 'enforcers' with autographed items they could make a mint off on eBay." At this point, Hilton left to compose herself emotionally, comforted by her Uncle Pennybags, who himself sported a long moustache, tails, and top hat.
She returned after a brief stroll around neighbouring Marvin Gardens, this time in a Paris original (no, we don't mean nude). "And they make you work in prison," she continued, "as if I were 17 years old again, being tutored, only worse." Asked if she were deterred from future offences, she said that she definitely was: "I'll never drive after having three doubles again. I will ensure my chauffer does instead." At this point she left again, citing hair problems, before the interviewer could ask her about Princess Diana...
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Michael Ventre "Surprise! Hot, young celeb gets her way up her ass" MSNBC, June 7, 2007
- "Judge Orders Paris Hilton Back to Jail" Associated Press, June 8, 2007