UnNews:PS3 cures cancer, competition not alarmed

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28 August 2006

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The PS3 - A flashy exterior conceals a cure for cancer and interior

COGENT, Washington -- In a press conference today, Sony revealed that their new gaming console, the PlayStation 3, will be able to cure cancer. While it has been long known that using gaming consoles will keep you from having sex, ever, and as such they are a perfect vaccination from STDs, this new step in console-medicine relations is really quite revolutionary.

"While the players sit back and enjoy some of the fine games this fine console has to offer, the gyrating, pulsating, vibrating controller will sharpen and freshen up the gamer's cells, causing a 93% drop in cancer suspectibility, and increasing the chance to cure cancer by up to 78%. Not only that, but while all this is going on, the console is able to render an entire planet in real time! It's really quite a first in gaming history," said Sony Chairman Howard Stringer.

Competition not alarmed[edit | edit source]

When asked if he was afraid this would cause the PS3 to outsell the Xbox 360, Microsoft owner and part-time world ruler Bill Gates, issued a statement that he did not believe that even the ability to cure cancer could help sell the PS3.

"Sure, it would be nice to be able to cure you cancer while you play games," Mr. Gates said, "but at the PS3's present price, not even I could afford one. And I really don't think my medical insurance covers the cost of getting a gaming console. So, no, I'm pretty sure the gamers will stick by the 360."

Nintendo president Satoru Iwata stated that the PS3's ability to cure cancer was nothing compared to the sanitary functions of his upcoming Wii.

"When you buy our console," he said, "you will also be given a new wonder-pill, guaranteed to cure any sort of disease. To avoid confusion, we have called this new pill Wii. So if you're feeling sick, if you are a really sick person, just swallow Wii. The Wii even has a water reservoir and a showerhead. Are you a dirty person? Then I'm sure you'd like to shower yourself in Wii!"


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