UnNews:PBS facing lawsuit after The Count's televised drunken profanity

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2 May 2008

Pictured: A television studio, not unlike the one where something other than this show is probably taped.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- PBS is facing a massive joint-action lawsuit, today, after their beloved character, The Count, from their beloved show, Sesame Street, went on their beloved channel, yesterday, at his beloved time slot, and proceeded to go on a decidedly less-beloved drunken tirade of profanity. Fifteen minutes before his segment of yesterday's show, which is always broadcast live, The Count had been alerted to issues of his daughter, who was already failing out of the third grade. Apparently, she had just been suspended from school for posting naked pictures of herself on all the school computers. Count didn't take the news well, and hit the bottle; it is a known fact that all the sets of children's television programs are kept well-stocked with a variety of alcohols.

Two minutes before the show's airing, The Count was found passed out just outside. His pants were promptly filled with ice cubes, and he was hauled back into the set. He had just enough time to vomit, hiccup, stumble onto the stage, and wonder why his pants were so cold before the cameras were rolling. He guffawed drunkenly, and began his song, which was supposed to be about the joys of counting. The Count did not sing about the joys of counting. Instead, what followed was a string of curses powerful enough to make even the most salty-lipped of ship-hands urinate upon themselves and run crying home to their parents.

The Count's press manager, Tommy McNeedelnöss, was quick to deflect criticisms against the undead nobleman. "My employer, Mr. Count, is deeply sorry for any harm he may have caused with his statements today. What he really meant, was that... He, well... Umm... Oh, fuck this, I give up. I'm gonna go work for Paris Hilton, or someone." McNeedelnöss is slated to appear later today, to try to explain why Paris's parents' car is missing its engine.

Sensing that delaying his appearance could possibly cause his image more harm, Count himself was quick to appear in an interview at a press conference, earlier today. "I'm truly and deeply sorry for remarks today," said Count in his familiar clipped eastern European accent. "I firmly intend to... ugh... vhey, vud you mind turning down those lights a little bit? They are awfully bright... And do you have to yell so loudly? "I need some aspirin.... ONE aspirin ha ha ha... TWO aspirin... THREE aspirin..."

Immediately after the broadcast, complaints rushed into PBS's headquarters as quickly as one at a time. The twenty-seven or so parents that had been watching the show at the time were clearly all outraged. "This is so typical," spits stay-at-home mom Betsy Maynag. "My kid begs and begs for me to put on this "Sesame Show" thing, and when I finally switch over to it from Scarface, I get this smut! PBS ought to be ashamed of themselves for exposing our children to this filth. I admit, I should've known better than to let little Jillian watch anything other than that Pacino classic in the first place, but honestly!" Equally enraged was Eric Tuffbad, whose child was the unintended result of a high school relationship he'd been a third of: "So there I was, just minding my own business, trying to keep my kid from getting into trouble while I was running my meth lab. He changes the channel, and suddenly all over the TV there's this disgraceful obscenity! PBS is killing the innocence of our children, and I, for one, am sickened. Oh, by the way, you wanna buy some dope?"

PBS: The Good Guys™

PBS representatives, naturally, have all rushed in to attempt to halt the spread of the damage. "We did everything we could to prevent Mr. Count's incident yesterday," said PBS official Benjamin Russel. "He's just too damn smart for us; caught us off guard, you know. We couldn't even tell he was drunk until after we found him passed out outside, two minutes before the show. Then, he tricked us into dragging him back onto the stage using reverse psychology, acting like he really didn't want to be brought in. And, when he finally got started with the cursing, we couldn't stop the broadcast! Apparently, our cameramen had all been drugged, or something; they were all doubled over with laughter! So, as you can see, this man coolly calculated every aspect of this totally unexpected thing that will probably ruin his career, and there was nothing we could ever have done about it. See? It's not our fault at all!"

Parents disagree, and many are preparing court cases. When asked why he was upset with PBS, and intended to sue, Geoff Hardwin had this to say: "MoneyMoneyMoneyMoney! MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney!!" It is surely fortunate that our great nation is so full of selfless individuals such as this to protect us from the filth put out by The Count. Who knows where we would be without them?


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