UnNews:Optimus Prime urges goodwill towards Bratz

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1 December 2006

Optimus Prime following a 2003 divorce hearing.

RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) -- Autobot leader and presidential hopeful Optimus Prime, in a parting message of goodwill to Bratz dolls at the end of his first trip to a predominantly girly household, said Friday that he wishes to "impose no standards on anyone."

"You know well that I wish freedom for all sentient beings," the Prime said outside Barbie's Beachside Condo, "And if that means you want to be skanky Nichole Richie wannabes, go right ahead."

Prime has worked hard during the four-day trip to convince the dollhouse world that he is interested in cooperation rather than confrontation. The trip comes in the wake of last September's address in which Prime referred to Bratz members as "bulemic Paris Hilton knockoffs who expect the world to shit diamonds for them." Prime claims he was attempting to call for a return to traditional household values.

"Let me be clear," Prime said in his earlier speech, "Barbie might have been an over-medicated pop princess, but at least she didn't spread her legs for every Joe on three-day pass."

Many political pundits have criticized the move, claiming that Prime is attempting to smooth ruffled feathers as he eyes a 2008 presidential bid. He is already being compared to John Kerry, whose inability to take a firm stand on any issue may have cost him the 2004 election.

Although Optimus Prime defended the rights of youngsters to live and do as they please, he concluded his statements with a warning about the dangers of promiscuity. "It is too easy for young people to make mistakes. One minute you think you're in love, the next she's pregnant and you find out she's really 16. So the family promises not to prosecute if you marry her, so you do it even though you don't really want to and you start thinking you might be a good dad after all, until nine months later, pop! It's a My Little Pony that comes out and you're saying, what the hell? That's not even mine! And by then it's too late and the judge gives her half of everything and it wasn't even yours to begin with!"

The closing remarks was followed by stunned silence, until Prime added, "You know... It happens sometimes."