UnNews:Obama nationalizes America's children

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 June 2009

As of now, NO child will be left behind, or in their parent's custody.

GREEN BAY, Wisconsin -- President Obama instituted his greatly enhanced version of “no child left behind” when he formally took in to custody every school child in America. This is believed to be the largest nationalization of people since the slave trade, and has drawn some comment.

“This Socialist Obama has finally gone too far, nationalizing our children”, said Rush Limbaugh, leader of the GOP. “His publicity stunt of having the little Kennedy girl go to him for her excuse note was sick!”

Rush refers to the much publicized event in which a young ten year old girl had missed school to see President Obama. Her biological father, well aware that no private parent is in a position to take care of their children properly, had respectfully asked the President to write one.

The Secret Service has already expressed concern about some of the President's newly nationalized children.

“In the old days, a dad would have balls enough to write an excuse note for his own child, not ask another grown man to. What was the girl going to miss that day, another reading of ‘Heather has two mommies’?” said Bill O’Reilly. “Instead, this man has Obama do it for him. Wonder if he had Obama father the kid for him, too?”

Yet indeed Obama is the father now, de facto, and de jure. With the nationalization of all children, Obama is the one who writes excuse notes, as well as picking which school is best for them, how late they can stay up, and what TV shows they can watch. He is also in charge of having all of America’s kids over to the White House for quality time, assuming no NFL Football Teams are there.

Some Constitutional scholars have expressed concern. “Really, all those silly ‘National Cucumber Awareness Days’ were bad enough, as the Constitution never gave the power to the President or Congress to do that. But how the heck is the President now in charge of excuse note writing? Let me guess…the ever elastic ‘interstate commerce’ clause? A Supreme Court decision? Jeez, why do I even ask…” said Dr. Pangloss of Princeton.

Others have pointed out that it seems ironic that the nation's first African American President would overturn the 13th amendment that prohibits ‘involuntary servitude’. “These kids didn’t want to be Obama’s, they wanted to stay with their birth parents. That’s involuntary.

Meanwhile, President Obama is busy trying to do up a chore list that is fair to all 27.6 million of his new kids. And he fired the White House lawn crew, as he obviously will have enough teenagers to cut the grass now.

Sources

• Staff "Obama writes girl a note for missing school" Associated Press, June 11, 2009