UnNews:OMG, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE-- wait, nevermind

Sunday, August 4, 2019

EARTH, Space, The Universe -- Oh my god, a giant asteroid is headed for Earth. Scientists are calling it the "City Killer." OH MY GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!

Before we all perish, I'd just like to say it's been a great 6 billion-year run.

I also have a few confessions to make.

I have never seen any of The Godfather movies.

Or Blade Runner.

Or the first three Indiana Jones movies.

Or Return of the Jedi.

Or Scarface.

I've only seen the fifth Fast and Furious movie.

I've never read many of the classic novels. But I have read Tom Sawyer.

I actually like the Super Mario Bros. movie.

Twilight isn't that bad.

Oh shit, I don't have time to confess to everything!

We've made a lot of great strides over the years. We've come a long way with technology and Artificial intelligence. We've made pictures move. We've made vinyl discs produce sound. We've made bulbs emit light. We've connected the whole world. We've freed and slaves and given blacks, minorities and women equal rights. We fought for LGBT rights and equal pay, and a $15 minimum wage. We've put a man on the moon. South Africa and the United States have had black presidents.

And so many other accomplishments. We were gonna have the first female 007.

Oh shit! Here it comes!

Wait... That's it?

Seriously? That's fucking it?

Shouldn't we all be burning up to oblivion by now? Our flesh turning into a rotting greenish black? Our eyeballs scalding? Our teeth melting? Our tongues exploding? What the fuck, science!

This is like when I see celebrities trend on Twitter and I think they died. Seriously, stop doing that shit, Twitter. I don't wanna think that Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney, Morgan Freeman or Tom Hanks died.

But hey, at least I have more time to do these things I haven't done yet.

But then again, we still have to deal with assholes who cut in front of you driving, blab during movies, can't read (or write, or spell), fart in the elevator, vote Republican, sing off-key in the shower, and run up your bills.

Earth, you suck. You deserve to have an asteroid hit ya.

Better luck next time.

Sources

• Staff "'City killer' asteroid misses Earth — and scientists had no idea" CBS News, July 29, 2019

• Rachel Feltman "We were not almost killed by an asteroid this week (Unfortunately)." Popular Science, July 26, 2019