UnNews:Nothing Happens
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 December 2007
EVERYWHERE -- Millions of people were left with nothing to talk about today as nothing noteworthy happened. These non-events came as a surprise to people who are used to 'stuff' happening on a regular basis, which they later read about in newspapers or hear about on the news. However, today, in what has been described by many as a "Slow News Day", this was not the case.
Many reported being forced to speak to co-workers and relatives they didn't like as their primary means of making "small-talk" disappeared. Others were reduced to reading about events that never actually occurred in novels such as Harry Potter and the Uncomfortable Shorts. Millions were reported to have been dismayed upon opening their morning newspaper to find blank pages or endless repetition of "lorem ipsum dolor sit amet". News Networks were forced to play their jingle on repeat or to simply show footage of their anchormen adjusting and readjusting their empty pages of notes.
Hopes of a recovery by late evening were in vain as the entire day passed by without a single newsworthy event taking place. Reporters, who had spent the entire day calling everyone they knew in order to uncover some sort of scoop were left gibbering wrecks by the time the nine o'clock news came on. There wasn't even any weather to speak of as weather forecasters were forced to deliver the news that the weather was entirely as one might expect for the time of year and would remain so throughout the day.
"It was horrible," said one reporter. "I had nothing to write. There was no news. How am I meant to be a reporter if there is no news?" At this point he burst into tears.
The worldwide news industry is reported to have been hit hard by these non-events with readership and viewing figures at an all-time low. However, since everyone already knew this would happen, there was no point in reporting on it. Many newspapers suffered record losses. Local newspapers, however, were unaffected since they never report on anything interesting in the first place. One local publication, Brugge News, from Belgium, actually reported an increase in sales.
Suicide rates are also expected to increase globally as a result as many so-called 'news-junkies' who are unable to get their current-affairs fix may feel that they have no reason to go on.
A number of factors seem to have contributed to the crisis: In a bid to keep up with liberal The Netherlands, many governments had recently taken the step of legalising everything thereby making any subsequent crime stories impossible. The European Parliament, located in Brussels, which is often a source of mildy interesting news to be placed towards the back of a newspaper was debating a tax on snowmobile engines about which exactly nobody cared. Celebrities had decided to stay at home in order to avoid the papparazzi, making celebrity gossip impossible. Fresh from vetoing bills to outlaw torture, President Bush spent the day in his office catching up on his paperwork and playing with his Action Man.
Newsreaders and journalists across the world are praying for an end to the news crisis. "If there isn't some news soon I'll have to go make some," said the reporter, wiping his eyes. He was holding a pistol.
