UnNews:North Korea selects small island for nuclear test

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 October 2006

North Korea hopes to conduct nuclear tests on this small island.

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea proudly announced Tuesday that it will conduct a nuclear test on a small nearby island, a key step in the manufacture of atomic bombs that it views as a deterrent against possible invasion, as well as possible peace. North Korea also said it was committed to nuclear disarmament. So who the hell knows?

The contradictory statement fits a North Korean pattern of "covering all the bases." So far, the strategy hasn't really worked for shit, though, as the totalitarian regime sinks deeper into isolation and poverty, with bad teeth, noticeable body odor, and very little chance of finding a halfway decent date for Friday night.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said North Korea's announcement was "something George and I might try to get away with."

It came as the standoff deepened over Iran's nuclear program. But don't expect U.S. troops to go storming into North Korea anytime soon. Unlike Iran's piddling little nuke program, guarded by its puny army, North Korea's nukes are for realsies, and they got an army ready to kick ass and chew gum.

"The U.S. extreme threat of a nuclear war and sanctions and pressure compel the DPRK to conduct a nuclear test, an essential process for bolstering nuclear deterrent, as a self-defense measure in response," said a statement by the North's Foreign Ministry and carried by the North's official Korean Central News Agency, and was delivered by the official North Korean People's Democratic Delivery Boy.

DPRK stands "Delicious Kentucy Fried Chicken."

On the other hand, North Korea also said it wanted to "settle hostile relations" between the North and the United States, and that it "will do its utmost to realize the denuclearization of the peninsula."

Apparently, they hope to accomplish both goals at once by launching all their missiles away from the peninsula, and blasting their hostile enemies into charcoal.

Sources

• Biff Heidegger "On Being and Time" Victoria's Secret, October 3, 2006