UnNews:North Korea might actually do it, but probably not
Monday, August 24, 2015
SEOUL, KOREA -- Tensions in the Korean peninsula between have risen to its highest levels since the 1953 armistice. Talks between the two governments' representatives continue, but talks have stalled and any solution to this crisis doesn't seem to be in sight.
South Korea has accused North Korea of laying new landmines in its territory as a response to South Korean propaganda broadcasts on the border. On Thursday, tensions reached a fever pitch when North Korea fired four shells to the south. In response, South Korea fired its own artillery.
North Korea has stationed more artillery along the DMZ than ever before, and Kim Jong-un has announced that North Korea is preparing for war. All these events lead us to the question on everyone's mind: will North Korea actually do it?
"Probably not," said South Korean president Park Geun-hye. "They're a bunch of fucking whiners, always acting up when they don't get their food. And we all know the fat fuck's eating half of it." Ms Park later clarified that the 'fat fuck' she was referring to was in fact Kim Jong-un.
"Fucking North Korea," continued Ms Park. "One of my demands is a framed picture of Kim Jong-un completely naked, twisting his own nipples. This is nonnegotiable. This picture is for me personally, and will not be published online, but if my country is not nuked by September, you should all know that I have a framed picture of a naked Kim-Jong un twisting his own nipples. That is all."
General Curtis Scaparrotti, Commander of the U.S Forces in South Korea, was more cautious. "As we all know, North Korea has the capacity to develop nuclear weapons. Of course their current bellicose attitude is simply a ruse by the North to extort more food aid. But, all it would take is one dirty bomb to kill every single man, woman and child in Seoul. This is simply more sabre-rattling from the North Korean regime, but still, if you're South Korean, you might want to head south for the winter."
North Korea has apparently shelled the South and escalated their actions in response to the South Korean loudspeaker broadcasts on the border between the two nations. These broadcasts regularly feature news, weather reports, anti-DPRK content and K-Pop.
Reddit user Seoul_Doctor had this to say about the DMZ loudspeaker broadcasts: "North Korean soldiers can't perform their jobs while they're busting a move to the latest pop hits, I mean, have you listened to Lim Kim's new album, the one with Primary? Primary's got that hip-hop/chillwave beat thing going on which really works with Lim Kim's sultry vocals, and their soldiers can't resist it, shit's solid."
It seems that recent tensions have less to do with preparing for war and more with either South Korea's unwillingness to back down to North Korea's demands, or internal strife within DPRK leadership.
Still, many South Korean citizens fear that this conflict could spiral into all out war. "Maybe they will, and I hope a North Korean artillery shell lands on my face, only to give me the sweet release of death," said a South Korean graduate student who wishes to remain anonymous.
Despite the tensions, some are optimistic that the talks will resolve the tensions between the two divided nations, at least temporarily.
NEW UPDATE: SETTLEMENT REACHED BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA, NO WAR, FUCK WHAT A SLOW NEWS DAY.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- JACK KIM AND JU-MIN PARK "Seoul talks tough as North, South Korea hold marathon crisis talks" REUTERS, August, 24, 2015