UnNews:No puppy love for Ellen Degeneres, says warm pussy
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 October 2007
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Ellen Degeneres thought she was just making small talk when she bragged on her television talk show, Lesbian Lip, that she’d given away the puppy she’d adopted a few days earlier to two little girls because the canine just couldn't get along with her pussy.
However, every dog has its day and critics are not laughing at the long-time celebrity pussy lover's antics. In fact, the owner of Mutts and Moms, the self-appointed watchdog agency from whom Degeneres acquired the puppy, took the dog back because the loudmouth comedienne didn’t notify the agency that she was giving away the puppy, as the contract they had taken out required. Hundreds of police K9 units were implicated in the dramatic takedown operation.
The dog-eared bitch in charge at Mutts and Moms remains insistent that Degeneres' behavior epitomizes the cruel and inhumane treatment that rich and privileged often get away with, whether with regard to people, beasts or lawyers. "Since she has money and a large lesbian following, she thinks she can do whatever she pleases," she barked. "It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, yet she thinks she’s above the law and beyond the rules."
Degeneres' has raised the ire of the dogs of war, including rabid members of People for the Extermination of Terrestrial Animals (PETA) who have been howling incessantly, hounding her for days and even denouncing Degeneres' beloved pussy. Declaring it too late to threaten her career as (in their words) "That's been over for years", they have been forced instead to resort to malicious threats to let the cat out of the bag.
In a blubbery plea after finding herself suddenly and inexplicably in the doghouse, the pussy-loving Degeneres begged her viewers to "save me" from the wrath of those who have threatened to harm her pet. She defended her relinquishment of the pooch by declaring, "I had to protect my pussy."
Despite her plea, letters and emails continue to threaten retribution. "Kiss your pussy goodbye," one such message suggested.
The response from CATS, a universal and powerful cat-friendly coalition, was swift but firm. All your base are belong to us, they warned pooch-lovers everywhere. Andrew Lloyd Weber also weighed in with a dramatic and impassioned plea in favour of the cats.
A storm is brewing and it would seem that it is raining cats and dogs. Thousands of Japanese catgirls are taking off and mobilising as war is beginning, for great justice.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Puss 'n Boots "Dog abandoned in favor of pussy" Times Online UK, 69 seconds ago
- Lassie "Pussy-loving comedienne in doghouse" A&P, The dog days of summer
- Pussy Galore "The puppy episode" TV.com, 69 days ago