UnNews:Nicholas Cage sustains Elvis impersonation for nearly 90 minutes
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15 February 2007
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HOLLYWOOD, Calif. -- Hillbilly scientists announced Wednesday that Academy Award winning actor and bottled stink-bug salesman Nicholas Cage managed to survive talking like dead "entertainer" Elvis Presley for nearly the entire length of his new motion picture, "Death Mask." Cage is reported in stable condition at Serena-Sinus Hospital.
"The doctors here have no idea why this talented actor decided to risk his health this way," said hospital media liaison, Sandy Morgenstern. "CAT scans of Mr. Cage's brain revealed nothing. Ha ha, that's an old one!"
Cage, who adopted his name from the comic book character "Little Lotta," is a known Elvisophile, having previously starred in movies featuring Elvis impersonators, and even married and fucked Elvis's daughter, Lisa Marie Bonet, sometime in the early 1990's.
This recent Elvis incident is the most serious of its kind to happen to an actor since Kurt Russell mumbled through "Big Trouble In Little China" in some insane attempt to sound like pompous screen icon, John Wayne. Ironically, Russell actually played Elvis in a TV motion picture about the bloated music icon, and received critical acclaim.
Nonetheless, the Screen Actors Guild issued a statement condemning the practice of successful actors imitating deceased actors in anything other than biopics. "This sort of thing does nothing to advance the craft of acting or provide audiences with anything original," said the press release, which was sweating profusely during the news conference.
Cage's performance did however, distract movie audiences from noticing that "Howard the Duck Rider," based on a character of extremely limited appeal among comics fans, has no engaging plot, interesting characters, or reason to exist.