UnNews:New study shows everything is crap

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

20 September 2006

Typical response to evaluation of new data

CHICAGAO, Illinois -- A five-year study by me has concluded that everything is crap, and that things are unlikely to improve any time soon. Noteworthy declines were discovered in such areas as chicks interested in dating me, the satisfaction and duration of my employment, and the overall quality of my entertainment opportunities.

The study was undertaken to determine if life is worth living or if any significant measure of joy could be derived from continued exposure to existence. While the study was unable to reach any firm conclusions or make specific recommendations, trendline activity in certain key areas indicated a further erosion of enjoyment leading to long-term negative effects, including depression, lethargy and apathy.

Topping the list of down-skewed factors was "love," which was found to be diminished in both frequency and quality. Repeated attempts to create satisfying romantic relationships declined approximately 32 percent over the past five years. Much of the decline can be attributed to chicks being significantly more insane than in the past, and me being much less tolerant of it.

The study suggests that current decreased levels of testosterone and pheromone response have lowered my ability to nullify or ignore the natural repulsive quality of a woman's bat-shit craziness.

Increased cynical attitudes, dark humor, and lack of motivation have also had a dampening effect on female output, as it relates to them putting out. Either way, analysis of the available data suggests that even the best relationship possible is still not worth having to put up with the associated bullshit.

Among the other parameters in the study, employment was found to be boring, slow and potentially temporary, with the necessity of stressful and tedious job-hunting a big possibility in the near term. The quality of television and motion picture production has practically bottomed out, with few productions offering any laughs or intellectual stimulation. Television, in particular, has become one long infomercial, and viewing time has decreased, accordingly.

Some bright spots found in the study include playing guitar and getting drunk. Unfortunately, neither of these activities has the immediate potential to positively affect the other areas.

Sources

• Popeye "I've had all I can stands, and I can't stand no more!" UnNews, September 19, 2006