UnNews:New fashion models strut their stuff on Paris runways
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
10 April 2007
PARIS - Last year (or was it the year before?), Spain stunned the world of high fashion by banning skeletal models from participating in its annual fashion extravaganza. Other countries, in general, while vocally supportive of Spain’s call for an end to bulimia and anorexia nervosa, have not gone as far as prohibiting barely there models in their own fashion shows. This year, however, France not only joined its southern neighbor in banning skinny models, but it has also introduced a whole new image of the fashion model along with its fashionable spring fashions.
“Gone is the boyish look popularized by gay designers,” Pierre La Bleu told Unnews’ reporter, Lotta Lies. “The new diva of the runway will have extra padding even without a padded bra and in places other than just her breasts.”
Vidal Swoon agreed with his colleague: “The new fashion model is apt to look more like your mother-in-law than your fantasy boy girl, with curves in all the wrong places. Sagging bosoms and droopy derrieres will be the order of the day, if Paris has its way, which, usually, it does.”
The “new look” is not intended to cast any aspersions on the old look, Michael Mileux said. “It’s fashion, darling, and that means change or die. After skin and bones for nearly two decades, we need to see a little meat on the bones. Of course, if we can, as gay designers, also insult or demean the feminine physique, well, that's a plus.”
Penelope Scott was ecstatic to learn of the new look. “All my life, I’ve been considered plain--or, to be honest, plug ugly; now, I’ll be considered glamorous, just as the gunnysacks I’ve worn in lieu of dresses will become the pinnacle of taste.”
Kirstie Alley, Oprah Winfrey, and other “heavy hitters” in the entertainment world have led the way, La Bleu said. “They made fat fashionable, and what woman wouldn’t be fat if she could, rather than looking like a Holocaust victim?”
Bernard Stein, the owner of True Jew Fashions, called La Bleu’s remarks “anti-Semitic,” but agreed with him that “fat is the future of fashion, for the next couple of decades, at least, so pig out, girls, and pack on the lard.”
To prepare for the spring fashion shows, Paris runways have been reinforced with steel beams, and, according to Paris Fashion Monthly, no model will be permitted on any Parisian runway unless her walk--or “wobble”--tops 5.8 on the Richter Scale.
Nicole Richie and other skeletally thin models “are beginning to eat again,” insiders say. “They’re counting their calories, with an eye on consuming at least 3,000 per day, and exercise is out.”
Kirstie Alley is at the top of everyone’s list as a personal advisor and weight trainer, as are Jamie Lee (“The Blimp”) Curtis, Rosie (“The Bear”) O'Donnell, and Oprah (“The Human Whale”) Winfrey.
Kirstie talked about the secrets of “weight ballooning” over a high-calorie meal at Gourmet Guts Restaurant: “Girls, don’t worry; it’s hard to keep the weight off,” said Alley, who weighs in at a respectable 780 pounds, “but it’s easy to pack it on. I start my day with 30 slices of French toast, a dozen eggs, a side of bacon, a gallon of milk, and 20 pounds of deep-fat-fried potatoes. For lunch, I eat my weight in pizza, and for dinner, I eat three or four cows, six or seven hogs, and any road kill that comes my way, followed by the usual 16-course meal that normal people eat, and dessert. Last year, I bought General Foods so I wouldn’t be without a dietary supplier. If I can become a human blimp, so can you; with me as your trainer and advisor, I guarantee it.”
Eyeing a grain of rice on her neighbor’s plate, she asked, “Are you going to eat that?”
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- Lotta Lies "Fat’s back" Instant News, 11.8 seconds ago