UnNews:New Species of Monkey Discovered near Amazon Forest

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19 March 2006

Authentic photograph of the new species of primate, taken by a conservationist working with those that discovered the monkey.

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil, March 19 — Several Brazilian scientists announced today that a group of conservationists working in and around the Amazon Rain Forest had discovered a new species of monkey. The monkey, species: Pan porro but more commonly called, "The Monkey with a really long neck, and it's neck looks like a Giraffe's neck, because its neck is so long" for its abnormally long neck, was discovered alone hanging from a tree high off the ground. While only one monkey was sighted, experts are sure that it is indeed a new species, most citing, "The length of its neck."

It is believed that the monkey is a distant descendant of the great "Long-neck Monkey." However, this cannot be confirmed, as the group that spotted the monkey was unable to get a blood sample. Although, they were able to get close enough to photograph the monkey. When the photographs were brought back and shown to the locals, many ran screaming for their lives. This reaction, city officials say, is normal.

One of the many rock-drawings discovered near the monkey's last known whereabouts.

"Yes, do not worry about them, they do this all the time. It's probably just the water again," said Martin des Vosgas, leader of a small village near the sightings. "Every time they bring something back, it's always, 'Oh no, it bit my grandson,' or, 'Why are its eyes so red?' Really people, just shut your mouth and go back to your huts." Shortly after making this statement, the village leader was found dead in the bathroom of his one-room hut. Doctors suspect that "A monkey with a really long neck" is to blame.

Although scientists were not able to trace the ancestry of the primate, they did discover some important clues about it's past. About a half-mile away from the site where the monkey was first seen, a group of explorers found several rocks with strange drawings on them. After examining the rocks, experts were able to conclude that the drawings were those depicting the monkey. Along with the drawings were several crayons, possibly thousands of years old. Strange markings on the crayons, appearing to read "Denny's Breakfast" lead some historians to believe the crayons belonged to an ancient sect; one that may have worshiped the long-necked monkey.

Using a new state-of-the-art tracking system, experts plan to cross-reference both the photo of the monkey, as well as the drawings on the rock, with that of thousands of other monkey-esque animals. Doing this will not only provide the scientists with tons of cool monkey pictures, but will also help in locating a general area in which to looks for the monkey. Once this approximate location is pinpointed, those working on the project plan to lead an expedition with hopes of, once again, finding the monkey.