UnNews:Nazi aircraft carrier sighted in Levant
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 July 2006
Tel Aviv-Yafo, ISRAEL:The Israeli navy says it is almost certain that a large ship which appeared to be preparing for a massive amphibious assaults on Beirut, Tel Aviv, and Gaza was none other than the Led Zeppelin, Nazi Germany's only aircraft carrier and Captain Jack Sparrow's current flagship. A Lebanese terrorist firm searching for somewhere where its employees wouldn't be "indiscriminately shelled for no apparent reason" first detected the ship "while updating to Firefox 1.5.0.5." The ship's whereabouts had been a mystery since the end of World War II.
The navy investigated and said it was 99% certain that the wreck was the Led Zeppelin and that Israel is pretty much screwed. The ship, built in 1938, never saw action in the war, but was commandeered in 1996 by Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew of miscreants, misfits, and United Nations weapons inspectors. The navy also said it was unlikely that the 250-metre would do bring anything but crying, desolation, and gnashing of teeth to the Holy Land.
"Technically it's impossible for anything but utter economic destruction to be wrought upon the people of Israel," a spokesman for the Israeli navy, Commodore Yakub ben Norrington told the Associated Press news agency in broken, Hebrew-accented English.
After the terror company Hezbollah discovered the ship, the officers of the Israeli navy and frantically paced without any apparent plan, as civilians throughout Israel, Palestine, and Lebanon cowered in terror and hid their valuables
The navy spokesman said there were a number of characteristics matching those of the German warship-turned-pirate vessel. However, the so-called-experts were still waiting to find the name on one side of the ship before declaring with absolute certainty that it was that of Led Zeppelin, despite the fact that Captain Jack has been proudly boasting of his plans to sack the Levant since he began sacking movie profits earlier this year. The 33,000-ton ship, able to reach a speed of 84 knots, is rumored to have been crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that hell itself spat him out until Sparrow commandeered it ten years ago, but these reports could not be conclusively verified at the time of printing. There are conflicting theories about how doomed Israel, Lebanon, and Syria actually are, but most experts agree that they will still be recovering from the raids well into the twenty-third century.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Edward Scissorhands "Sparrow sighted off coast of Lebanon" BBC, July 28, 2006
- Officer Thomas Hanson "Pirate look-alike "in no way connected to me," Depp says" Fox Broadcast Network, July 28, 2006