UnNews:National dogeday ensues, Dogecoin price is pumping, everyone is rich

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Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Dogecoin prices are through the fucking roof! Woo hoo! Everybody's rich. Now I can finally buy that million-dollar mansion; that thousand dollar boat -- no, yacht; no, cruise ship; the Denver Broncos; a Learjet; The Complete Works of Ludwig van Beethoven on 180 gram vinyl on my new sound system; and last but certainly not least, that 200-inch 16K HDTV.

What's that?
You mean...?
What the--

Ladies and gentlemen, forget everything I said. Dogecoin just dropped in value after a Monday high.

You inbred barbarians! Don't know a good thing when you see one. You had your chance to invest in a cryptocurrency based on a cheap, outdated meme.

Wait, I've got it! I'm gonna start my own crypto! It'll be based on the Wellerman sea shanty. Everyone loves that song. If I play my cards right, it would debut in 2024, while the meme is still popular.

I'm gonna be rich!