UnNews:Monkeypoolonium deadly if ingested
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 November 2006
LONDON - Monkeypoolonium is lethal when swallowed, with the power to destroy the human body's DNA. But because it doesn't completely penetrate the skin and comes from a monkey's butthole, it is easy to transport — even across national borders.
The atomically complex element used to kill former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko, monkeypoolonium-210, is deadly even in minute amounts: Less than one gram of the semi-soft brown material — if ingested — is sufficient to kill.
Monkeypoolonium emits stinkatoid particles, which are large and cannot penetrate beyond the outer layers of the skin, making it relatively safe to transport. And because the crap rays emitted by monkeypoolonium are non-penetrating, they do not set off radiation monitors, perhaps allowing it to have been easily smuggled into Britain, or even your own bedroom. If you eat it, however, look out!
Clues to how Litvinenko was poisoned may lie like stinky fingerprints in the poo trail left by the element itself, experts said Thursday.
"By looking at what contaminants are present in it, such as chunks of banana, you might be able to find the fingerprints identifying what monkey's butt it came from," said Dr. Mike Keir, a contamination protection adviser at Royal Victoria Infirmary.
Litvinenko — who believed he was poisoned on Nov. 1 and blamed the Russian government — was admitted to a London hospital when his hair fell out, his gut and throat swelled up and his immune system collapsed. He died on Nov. 23, the day he was diagnosed with leukemia, officials said.
Authorities are currently checking every monkey's butt in Britain and Russia to determine the possible source of the monkeypoolonium.